#i can't think about this game for more than 2 seconds. lest i have an utter meltdown

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

Murder, Love, and Destiny: An Eridan Ampora Character Study

Warnings for things from Homestuck, like discussions of child abuse, mental illness, murder, suicide, etc. etc.

Because there's a huge wall of text after this point, I'm going to summarize what I hope to convince you of in bullet point format, and then hope you'll actually read the rest of the text before arguing with me about it.

Eridan is the least casteist highblood, if you ignore all the slurs.

Those are his emotional support slurs.

Pale EriKar was not only canon, but set up to be endgame.

Eridan is incredibly plot-relevant, thematically relevant, and was definitely originally intended to be brought back to life, alongside the other dead trolls.

He's Sad.

The first thing we have to establish is what counts as "canon" for the purpose of this essay. I am only counting the original comic up to Game Over, after which there's a general consensus that Hussie kind of gave up on his original planned ending, and slapped together something that most people hate. So I am immediately disqualifying Pesterquest, supplementary material, fanworks deemed canon, the epilogues, and Homestuck^2.

Moreover, we are taking Hussie's commentaries with a grain of salt, for two reasons. The first reason is that I firmly believe - and will be arguing - that the original plan was to bring Eridan (and the other dead trolls) back; therefore, Hussie (who has a track record of playing coy with future plot twists) can't speak too fondly of him, lest he give it away. The second reason for de-emphasizing Hussie's words is that, post-retcon, Hussie isn't very well going to say that he had plans for a better ending, and then didn't execute on them; to save face, he has to act as though his trashing of several prior plot threads, including but not limited to Eridan, was the plan all along.

Therefore, this essay will not be putting too much emphasis on Word of God, and will instead be relying on textual evidence from the comic itself, of which there is plenty. So without further ado:

Eridan is a Consummate Murderer.

The reason I'm starting with this point is that, far more than any other, this truth lies at the core of his being. Eridan is formally introduced to us with a murder, and he's haunted by an overpowering genocide complex. He outright describes to Rose at one point that "killin is all i evver done practically," and uses "murder" as an expletive (ie "swweet stinkin murder"). With a conservative estimate of 5 kills per week for 4 sweeps (Vriska looks VERY young when she has to start killing, and Eridan was likely a similar age when he began), both Eridan and Vriska easily have bodycounts above 2000 - the real number is probably even higher.

At this point, many raise an objection that Eridan is only killing lusii, but I believe we need to count his kills as troll murders, for three reasons: first, a dead lusus results in the orphaned troll being culled; second, one has to assume he has had cases of trolls trying to defend their lusii, or coming after him for vengeance; and third - and most importantly - Eridan HIMSELF is thinking about the orphaned trolls.

Compare Feferi: Go Home:

That should keep her happy for a while. At least until she dies.

To Eridan: Go Home:

That should keep her happy for a while. And make a freshly orphaned troll somewhere very sad.

So Eridan, to a much greater extent than even Feferi, is thinking about the orphaned trolls he's leaving behind, and considers his own actions to be murder.

Now that we've established the facts regarding his murders - a rough bodycount, and the fact that, by his own admission, he barely had any hobbies outside of it - we can move on to the effect that it's had on him. It's not very good!

Vriska's manipul8tions and murders had to be done for her own sake - if she ever stopped, she died. Therefore, much of Vriska's personality revolves around justifying her own actions so she doesn't have to reckon with her softer feelings, like guilt or kindness - which she expresses would be viewed as scandalous by others of her caste.

But if Eridan ever stops feeding Gl'bgolyb, everybody dies. The stakes he has riding on his shoulders are, at all times, the fate of all trolls, including all his friends. Given Dualscar's title was "Orphaner," it's implied that killing lusii for Gl'bgolyb has always been a violet blood's duty, and is seen as such by the others, which is why nobody expresses gratitude for his hard work even a single time.

Which brings us to our next point:

Eridan is Crushed by Anxiety.

If Eridan stops killing lusii, everybody - especially his friends, but everybody else, too - dies.

If Eridan ever shows guilt or kindness, he'll be considered "weak" by the standards of highbloods - he shares this with Vriska.

Eridan is expected, by aristocratic tradition, to take on the mantle of his ancestor Dualscar and finish his work. Dualscar met a comedically cringefail end, so this is a massive undertaking.

Before finding out that god tiering is an option - so, for nearly his entire life - Eridan has had to live with the expectation that he will outlive all of his friends. The lowbloods from culling or dying on the battlefield, the highbloods from old age, and Feferi from being killed by the Empress when she gets old enough.

(This is reflected in who he talks to the most - Feferi, who's the only one with a natural lifespan longer than his, Vriska, who's a highblood, Kanaya, who's practically guaranteed to survive into adulthood, and Karkat, whose anonblood allows Eridan to give him the benefit of the doubt.)

Also if he can't land his concupiscent quadrants he'll die from that too, but that seems pretty secondary to the rest of his concerns.

He can't even make friends with the other highbloods, because sea dwellers are expected to hate and antagonize them.

He had a free ticket into adulthood, but would almost certainly be expected to join the army and serve as a commander. That is to say, his fate of performing the role of a vicious, murderous sea dweller seems dreadfully inevitable to him.

NO WONDER he can't stop having emotional breakdowns. NO WONDER his chatlogs swing wildly from relentless self-aggrandizement to traumadumping. NO WONDER he's obsessed with murder and death and genocide.

Doc Scratch calls him a "vengeful boy on the path of nihilism," and it's not hard to see why: Eridan's entire life has been about living up to the role imposed on him by society, sacrificing his own time and sanity for everyone else, which he "nevver got any appreciation for anywway." And all he had to look forward to was more of the same, all his friends dropping dead one by one before him. For Eridan, there has never been any hope.

SGRUB could have been a way out for him, but a combination of his own terrible choices, spurred on by his anxieties, and his teammates' unwillingness to knock some sense into him, meant that he only wound up mired even deeper in his hopelessness.

We all know about how Eridan wouldn't stop killing the angels on his planet, provoking their aggression and turning it into a ball of death. How he was definitely not supposed to be doing this, and how his stubborn insistence on it led to his further ostracization from the rest of the group. The thing is, when we look at his angel-murders from the point of view that Eridan's entire life has been about murdering things or else Something Bad™ happens, it actually starts to become... kind of sad.

KARKAT: BETWEEN A TRIGGERHAPPY PRINCE WITH A GOD WEAPON BLASTING ANYTHING THAT TWITCHED AND A MILLION CRAZED ANGELS HE DELIBERATELY ENRAGED, IT WASN'T WHAT I'D CALL AN IDEAL SOCIAL HUB. KARKAT: IF YOU WERE LONELY WHY DIDN'T YOU VENTURE OUT MORE OFTEN? ERIDAN: wwell i wwoulda but nobody else wwas vvolunteerin to pick up the slack on angel killin duties

Killing the angels is something he feels like his has to do, because his entire life has been about killing things he doesn't want to kill. He's unable to break out of that mindset on his own, and his unpleasant personality has scared off anyone who might want to help. No one on the team tries to understand his thought process on a deeper level, not even Karkat, who just tells him it was an idiotic thing to do without addressing his underlying anxieties at all. Indeed, "nobody understands."

And this is really the root of why I think so many people get the wrong read on Eridan - Eridan is constantly contradicting himself, constantly denying his own feelings, constantly pushing an image that he doesn't actually believe in, and constantly insisting that he's fine with all the horrible shit in his life - that he likes it, even. After all, he can't admit to his guilt for his murders, or how much he doesn't want to watch his friends die, or how scared he is about the future - that'd be weakness!

CC: I can't look after you anymore. CA: I DIDNT EVER NEED ANYONE TO LOOK AFTER ME CA: i was totally fuckin fine my ambitions were noble

You see his contradictory nature with his stated love of history, which he only ever offhandedly mentions - because he's not actually that interested in history, it's just something that's expected of someone of his station. And you see it with his wavy accent, which he himself calls "weird" and drops when he's trying to be emotionally sincere. And you see it with his dumbass outfit, which is very clearly an imitation of Dualscar (with the only exception being the wizard-ass scarf, because wizards are his actual interest. I don't believe he likes fashion. I genuinely believe - and Eridan himself says so - that he basically has no hobbies outside of murder).

Even being proud to be a sea dweller is pretty much an outright lie:

CC: You can't )(ave t)(e sort of affinity for "our kind" t)(at you profess if you've only spent, w)(at... CC: A few days underwater, maybe? IN YOUR W)(OL-E LIF-E!

One that he tells because he's SCARED OF THE OCEAN. Because he knows what lives in the ocean, because he's been feeding it his entire life. I see a lot of people who give Eridan an interest in marine life, and I'm telling you, that's just got no basis in canon. He's fucking TERRIFIED of the sea.

And for that matter, land dweller genocide. Eridan doesn't want to do it. Both Feferi AND his internal narration call him out for not actually wanting to do it. He outright states he wouldn't kill his friends.

CA: wwell CA: im not goin to vvery wwell kill you am i that wwould be fuckin unconscionable CA: wwhat kind of friend wwould i be

But he feels like he HAS to want it, HAS to believe in it, HAS to be talking about it constantly, because that's what's expected from him as a sea dweller, and a sea dweller is ALL that he will get to be. The mutation that puts a violet streak in his hair is damning. It's a fate he feels like he can't escape. Which brings us to:

Eridan is Not Actually Casteist, Well He Is But Not Like That, It's Complicated

Secondary title: Those Are His Emotional Support Slurs, Okay

In the exact same vein (haha) as secretly not wanting all the land dwellers dead, Eridan also genuinely doesn't feel like he's better than lower blood castes. Vriska and Equius obviously put quite a bit of stock into being nobility, and both have acted superior to Karkat for it. Feferi actually revels in her high status, and while she is genuinely well-meaning, she's not as interested in abolishing casteism as she is in changing the meaning of "culling" specifically (the hemocaste, aristocracy, and casteism still very much exist in a Beforus under her rule). Gamzee MIGHT be the only highblood less casteist than Eridan, but then again, as soon as he snaps, he does say a lot of casteist stuff to Equius, although it's unclear how serious he is, and he also proceeds to get really into his weird highblood clown cult.

Meanwhile, Eridan - despite all his slurs and talk of genocide - does not actually try to "pull rank" on a lowblood for being a lower caste than him with a single exception. That exception is Sollux... after he's already shown having entirely caste-neutral opinions on Sollux:

CC: But Sollux finally came t)(roug)(, and now I believe t)(e full c)(ain is complete! CA: man that guy CA: hes a fuckin drama machine it is fuckin pathetic CC: YOUR STUPID FIS)(Y FAC-E IS T)(-E DRAMA MAC)(IN-E T)(AT DO-ES NOT)(ING BUT W)(IN-E AND GLUB. CC: 38P CA: fuck SORRY CC: Anyway you s)(ouldn't say t)(at about )(im, )(e is a )(ero and )(e saved my life. CA: yeah sorry

CA: my feelins seem petty and meaninless noww CA: she had better things to wworry about than my ovverwwrought bullshit CA: like the dead guy wwho savved her CA: so forget it thanks anywway

It's only AFTER he's mad at Sollux for dating Feferi that he starts going in on Sollux with casteist rhetoric... which is treated as unrequited flirting and not serious casteism:

ERIDAN: hey finless this doesnt concern those wwith mustard sludge slippin through their vveins ERIDAN: its a matter for royalty only ERIDAN: so keep your mouth closed or ill slit you open ovver my next meal SOLLUX: w/e bro, not iintere2ted. FEFERI: -Eridan, please! I don't want to see any more dueling. FEFERI: Don't try to provoke )(im. It's not like I don't know w)(at you're doing! You keep trying to spark a rivalry wit)( )(im to get me to auspisticize between you two, and pull us out of our quadrant! FEFERI: It is t)(e oldest and lamest trick in t)(e book. It didn't work t)(en and it won't work now!

THEY don't even think he's being casteist.

In fact, directly contradicting this earlier argument he has with Feferi:

CC: T)(is is t)(e last time I will say t)(is. CC: W-E AR-E NOT B-ETT-ER T)(AN ANYBODY!!!!! CC: GLUB. >38( CA: pshh CA: hemospectrum begs to differ

He OUTRIGHT states his real feelings here:

CA: im the biggest fuckin idiot who ever lived CA: i cant BELIEVE i just opened up to you like a chump when i knew what was comin CA: i am one sad fuckin brinesucker CA: overemotional sappy trash youre right im not better than anybody CA: im worse than anybody CA: EVERYBODY CA: all the bodies

So the question of "is Eridan casteist" has an answer of "kind of, but also no." Eridan DOES espouse the rhetoric; he's constantly saying stuff that a casteist sea dweller "should" be saying. However, if you look at his ACTIONS, and the way he actually treats people, he doesn't actually care about blood color. He'll hit on anybody, and he's rude as fuck to everybody. The real problem with him is that he's terrible to talk to, not that he's discriminatory.

That's the thing about Eridan. Understanding him means looking past the way he presents himself, the lies he tells to himself, and even, at times, the way the narration presents him. His "overblown emotional theatrics" seem a lot less overblown when his problems ARE so real, deep-seated, and constantly causing him an unimaginable amount of anguish.

The problem is, the main people he has to bounce those problems against are Feferi, Vriska, and Kanaya, three of the people most comfortable with their privileged positions, for whom Eridan's genuine emotional distress seems like needless melodrama. Feferi loves being a princess, Vriska enjoys her noble privileges, Kanaya doesn't need to worry about culling. But for Eridan, his noble status, and the duties and expectations placed on him for it, have caused him nothing but pain - of course he would feel like nobody understands. Most of his closest friends genuinely don't, nor do they try to.

Because that's what he is at his core - a traumatized fucking child, who doesn't see any way out. Eridan is not a casteist genocidal sea dweller... he just wishes he was one, and tries to be one, because if he actually was one, he wouldn't feel so awful and scared and sad all the time. He'd be normal, like his friends.

The reason he constantly spouts anti-land dweller rhetoric and uses casteist language is to assuage this cognitive dissonance. That's why he has to come off so strong, present himself in such an aggrandized way, act like such a douchebag. They're his emotional support slurs. He doesn't actually believe what he says, which means he's a Bad Sea Dweller, which means he's Failing, which means Something Bad Will Happen, so he'd better get his ass in line and say something casteist!

And it's all made worse because:

Eridan is Dumb of Ass (and True of Word)

Oh my god you guys he's so stupid that it hurts.

Okay, that's not entirely fair. Eridan is clearly well-educated and book smart; he has some of the most elegant prose out of the trolls, and he's prone to going off on insane rants with it. (Actually, his language gets more flowery and showy when he's trying to impress a stranger, and gets progressively more laid back, chill, and even kind of "bro"-y when he starts talking to people he doesn't feel like he needs to impress.)

CA: at this point i find all her adorable black pixie dabblins to be prime kiddie playtime shit CA: all of her FRAUDULENT MAGICS cannot come close to posin threat to my mastery ovver the TRUEST SCIENCES CA: an wwith my empiricists wwand i servve as the righteous hope that wwill incinerate delusion and the deluded alike CA: my holy fire is the wwhite fury bled from the wwrath-wweary eyes of fifty thousand nonfictional angels CA: and wwhen theyre finished wweepin they wwill boww before their prince GG: wow what are you talking about

What I mean is this: his brain is so full of anxiety and cognitive dissonance and murder and death that he struggles to care about other people, which has devastating effects on his social skills. I go really in-depth on how his though process informs his behavior here. The question may have popped up in your mind already: if his casteism stuff isn't actually real, then what is Eridan actually like? The answer is, overwhelmingly, and discomfortingly, SINCERE.

This boy is gunning at 100% emotional earnestness 100% of the time, and it's deeply uncomfortable for others to deal with. He'll swing wildly from insults and derogatory language, to stating a desire to kill all land dwellers, to awe and amazement at his friends' prowess, to demanding that they do things for him, to traumadumping and venting, without missing a beat. Often in the same conversation.

CA: kan its hard GA: What CA: being a kid and growwing up CA: its hard and nobody understands

He's also specifically terrible at parsing hostility. Functionally, he interprets all hostility aimed AT him as either pitch/ashen flirting or "ironic repartee," and similarly views his own hostile words as verbal jousting, pitch/ashen advances, or even just factual descriptions of the world around him (ie calling Nepeta a "kittycat shipper cavve girl"). Hostility and aggression are just kind of his baseline, default state of being, and he basically has no ability to differentiate between good and bad attention. I talk more in-depth about his emotionally bereft upbringing (and shitty lusus) here, but suffice to say that our boy isn't getting any emotional support at home, and as a result, craves attention, no matter what kind.

This also means he's insanely gullible. For example, Rose calls him an idiot to his face, and then blows up his computer, sarcastically calling it "your first lesson in showmanship." Eridan proceeds to literally considers it that, blowing up Jade's computer after he's done talking to her. Furthermore, Kanaya sees him as a burden, insults him to his face, and pretty much just bullies him along with Rose for fun.

So she trains Eridan to become a powerful white wizard of hope to challenge her, as a joke.

And yet, in spite of all that, Eridan still has nothing but gratitude and praise for Kanaya:

ERIDAN: kan i been meanin to thank you KANAYA: For What ERIDAN: for all that trainin you did ERIDAN: i wwouldnt be the incredible holy wwizard i am noww wwithout your help KANAYA: But I Didnt Even Really Train You I Just Made You A Wand ERIDAN: yeah wwell thats all i needed i guess ERIDAN: i just needed for someone to showw a little faith in me so im sayin thanks i owwe ya KANAYA: Okay Then Youre Welcome KANAYA: I Hope You Use Your Magnificent Powers Of Light And Hope For Goodness And Purity And Lets Not Forget Science ERIDAN: dont wworry im all ovver that shit you dont evven knoww KANAYA: Uh Oh I Hope That Didnt Come Off As Too Sarcastic ERIDAN: wwhat KANAYA: The Thing I Just Said KANAYA: I Didnt Even Realize How Sarcastic I Was Being Its Starting To Become A Problem I Think KANAYA: Please Dont Take Too Much Offense ERIDAN: haha damn kan if thats your idea of offense bein made then i honestly gotta fuckin wworry for you ERIDAN: tell you wwhat ill givve you some lessons in dealin out the dark umbrage to repay you for your tutelage in the wwhite science

Like, he's in the middle of genuinely thanking her for believing in him, she makes fun of him to his face, and his response is to laugh it off and offer to teach her how to properly insult someone. It's honestly... kind of sad. Not that he doesn't deserve the ridicule, but what we're seeing here is a traumatized, emotionally neglected boy trying to communicate the best that he can that he loves and appreciates his friends, and receiving nothing but mockery in return.

It's really not a surprise, then, that he goes off the deep end. His entire life prior to the game has been shit; he got broken up with as soon as he entered the game (by someone who didn't even care enough not to use fish puns while doing it); he's ostracized and avoided for the game's duration; and then he spends the rest of his time on the meteor being bullied. He feels deeply hopeless and anxious about their situation because he literally doesn't know how else to exist, and his concerns are dismissed and mocked at every turn. When Feferi turns on him with intent to kill, that's his breaking point.

I see a lot of people say he goes grimdark, or succumbs to external influence somehow, but I don't think that needs to be true (nor is it) - he's just a deeply traumatized kid with almost no support network who's finally been pushed to the edge, despite displaying every possible warning sign and making multiple cries for help. Yes, ultimately, he's guilty for his own actions, but his killing spree - alongside Gamzee's and Vriska's - represents a cohesive failure as a team to address very clear problems in their midst.

So Feferi and Kanaya are sick of his ass. Sollux hates him platonically, Equius doesn't like him, and Nepeta thinks of him as a creep. Vriska is his awkward ex, and Terezi agrees with him when he calls himself pathetic. He never interacts with Tavros, Aradia, or sober!Gamzee. Is there anyone that treats him nicely?

Uh, okay, so I swear this isn't shipping goggles -

Pale EriKar Is Canon And I Can Prove It

So, I'm going to start this with a disclaimer: you can ship what you want to ship. I don't mind. I don't care. Headcanons are valid, death of the author, etc. What you do in your free time is up to you.

What I am attempting to argue in this section is that an Eridan/Karkat moirallegiance was heavily foreshadowed, one of the most heavily foreshadowed things in the entire comic, and - assuming that the original ending of Homestuck included all the dead trolls being brought back and redeemed - was going to be endgame. There's a torrential amount of evidence pointing to this, and very little of it is acknowledged even by the EriKar shippers, which is a shame.

At the very least, I'll be happy if I can convince some Karkat RPers to be extra nice to Eridans, because they are actually just friends who care deeply about each other. Canonically.

The first thing to note is that Eridan and Karkat, at least prior to SGRUB, talk all the time, to the point where Feferi feels the need to comment on it:

CC: You know, I'm not sure w)(y we never talk about our romantic aspirations. CC: We s)(ould more often. It is kind of -EXCITING! CA: shrug CC: Probably because you fill your gossip quota wit)( your nubby )(orned bro. CC: You leave not)(ing left to talk about wit)( your dear sweet moirail! CC: We are supposed to )(elp eac)( ot)(er wit)( t)(at stuff too, remember. CA: maybe CA: seems kinda CA: odd though

("Can you please stop having an emotional affair with Karkat" "Eh, I'll think about it")

The second thing to note is what the contents of those conversations entail. Sure, they "gossip," but it goes deeper than that, because they gossip about things that Karkat would NEVER gossip about with anybody else, because Karkat usually respects his "VERY GOOD FRIEND"s. For example, here Eridan mentions that Karkat has speculated on Kanaya's love life with him:

CA: you dont wwant to be our auspistice cause you dont wwant to get locked into that sort of relation wwith her i can respect that GA: No Thats Not It CA: yeah it is your real feelins run pretty awwful RUDDY methinks evverybody knowws it CA: especially that assblood karkat he and me havve you so pegged about that its upright silly

And it's not even a one-off thing, because here Karkat is again, mentioning Nepeta's crush on him:

KARKAT: OK, BUT TO BE FAIR, I'M PRETTY SURE SHE'S STILL OBSESSED WITH ME. KARKAT: IT'S A VERY UNFORTUNATE, VERY RED AND VERY UNREQUITED SITUATION I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TIPTOE AROUND FOR A LONG TIME, OK? KARKAT: HER DISINTEREST IN YOUR ADVANCE WASN'T A REFLECTION ON YOU AT ALL. KARKAT: COME ON, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.

It's a situation he's been trying to "tiptoe around for a long time," and he tells ERIDAN, of all people? MULTIPLE TIMES? (AND HE ALSO TELLS ERIDAN THAT THE REJECTION WASN'T HIS FAULT???? WHAT??????)

So we've established that they talk frequently and about some pretty seriously sensitive topics. But did you know that they also talk about... their feelings?

See, the thing is, Karkat has always been weirdly nice to Eridan. Here he is in a memo near the very beginning of their game, when Karkat is at his most "rah rah, I'm the big bad leader":

FCA: i got a problem FCA: wwith feferi FCA: and im really kinda sittin here in bad shape about it emotionally speakin CCG: OK, WELL CCG: I GET THAT, I HEAR YOU BRO CCG: BUT THIS IS STILL NOT THE RIGHT PLACE FOR THIS SO I'VE GOT TO BAN YOU. CCG banned FCA from responding to memo. CCG: BUT SERIOUSLY JUST GET IN TOUCH WITH ME IN PRIVATE ABOUT IT, OK MAN? CCG: WE'LL GET YOUR SHIT STRAIGHTENED OUT.

Compare that to Tavros asking for advice later down in the same memo:

PAT: sINCE i DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE NOW, bUT MAYBE HELP ME, PAT: aBOUT A THING THAT HAS TO DO WITH A GIRL, PAT: lIKE, PAT: a ROMANCE THING, yOU MIGHT KNOW ABOUT, CCG: YOU PEOPLE ARE IMBECILES. CCG: ALL OF YOU. CCG: I AM NOT POSTING THESE MEMOS TO COUNSEL YOU ON YOUR PAST AND FUTURE DATING PROBLEMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CCG: WHY ARE YOU ALL SUCH BASKET CASES. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY ANYMORE. PAT: sORRY, CCG: SHOULD I BAN YOU? WHAT'S EVEN THE POINT ANYMORE! ONE OF YOU STOOGES WILL BE RIGHT ON THE LAST ONES HEELS WITH ANOTHER SOB STORY. CCG: JUST CCG: HURRY UP AND TELL ME WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS BRO.

He then proceeds to dispense no actual love advice; he just points out that Vriska can totally read this memo too, and then mocks them both when she shows up - thus making it clear that he is giving Eridan special treatment.

You see it again in his discussion with Eridan in [S] Kanaya: Return to the Core, where Eridan invokes a "pact" between them, and Karkat immediately plays nice with him, despite himself being extremely high-strung and stressed out:

KARKAT: RIGHT, IT'S POWERED BY SCIENCE, I FORGOT. KARKAT: OR HOPE. WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS. ERIDAN: i dont fuckin need this from you i take enough shit as it is from the rest a you dirtscrapers i thought you and me had a kinda pact or wwhatevver KARKAT: OK FINE, SHUT UP, I APOLOGIZE. I KNOW IT'S TOUGH BEING YOU.

That's definitely pity, which Karkat states to be the basis of all relationships besides pitch. But, sure, okay, Karkat is sometimes nice to his friends. He is, after all, the Friendship Troll, so that's not necessarily out of the ordinary. But how about the fact that it goes both ways?

That's right, Eridan "100% aggro 100% of the time" Ampora is actually really considerate toward Karkat's feelings, and basically nobody else's. Upon hearing that Karkat is distressed that Sollux has died, Eridan actively puts his own meltdown about his breakup with Feferi on pause:

TC: BeCaUsE OuR GoOd bRo sOlLuX JuSt kIcKeD ThE WiCkEd mOtHeRfUcKiN ShIt CA: wwhat the fuck do you mean by that CA: are you sayin hes dead TC: YeAh :o( CA: oh fuck CA: oh god fuck noww i feel like an asshole

He then goes on to chastise Gamzee for his shitty advice, demanding to be given the chance to comfort Karkat himself instead:

TC: BuT I ToLd hIm tO Be cHiLl TC: BeCaUsE ThErE Is a mIrAcLe cOmInG, i cAn fEeL It CA: that is the wworst fuckin advvice CA: wwhat an awwful thing a you to say CA: MAGIC ISNT REAL STUPID STOP BELIEVVIN IN IT TC: i'Ve gOt tO BeLiEvE At wHaT My hEaRt tElLs iN Me, EvEn iF It's a fAkE ThInG TC: HoNk CA: this is a lot a pointless fuckin rubbish and isnt no emotional help to him or me either for that matter CA: put kar on

Before finally giving up when Gamzee insists he's "too scared of Jack" to help, drinking some Faygo, and trying to ask past Karkat for help, because past Karkat isn't sad yet about Sollux dying. So, to recap,

Eridan's first instinct when in emotional duress is to go to Karkat.

Eridan feels like he knows Karkat well enough to know that Gamzee's advice would be useless (and is proven right by the fact that Gamzee and Karkat's moirallegiance fails for similar reasons).

Eridan is willing to shelve his own emotional meltdown for Karkat's sake.

Eridan demands to be the one to provide Karkat with emotional support.

And this is, again, not a one-off thing. In the memo Karkat opens right after Eridan and Gamzee have both turned murderous, after he's spent several minutes making death threats toward Eridan and insulting him directly, he goes:

CCG: I'M SO UPSET, I'M JUST COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. PCA: yeah i knoww wwhat its like you wwanna talk about it

Eridan spends this entire memo under the belief that it's a completely run-of-the-mill conversation they're having:

PCA: i mean yeah obvviously i kneww you wwerent serious PCA: i guess i appreciate the effort youre puttin into cheerin me up PCA: i can alwways count on you for some good ironic repartee kar nobody else really gets our sense a humor CCG: UGH, NO PCA: are you busy PCA: you said youd try to make it to lowwaa soon wwell howw about it

Which implies that offering to listen to Karkat's feelings is also a completely regular thing for them.

But something magical is ALSO happening within this last memo, and to really explain it, I'll first have to be a little mean to the GamKar shippers (sorry).

So, canonically, GamKar doesn't work out for them, despite also being somewhat foreshadowed. In fact, they feature on Nepeta's shipping wall, which is actually, in my opinion, foreshadowing that it WOULDN'T work out. (Nepeta's ships being wrong, and shipping being something she needs to learn to outgrow, is a whole essay on its own, that I'm not getting into here.)

But the thing is, the seeds for them not working out were also planted in the first - and only - real post-moirallegiance interaction that they have with each other, where Gamzee tries to calm Karkat down... and FAILS:

GAMZEE: naw brother, i was just about to all say for you to try and get your settle down on, maybe. GAMZEE: :o( ... KARKAT: OK KARKAT: OK YEAH KARKAT: I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. KARKAT: NO, YOU'RE RIGHT, I SHOULD RELAX. KARKAT: AND BREATHE. KARKAT: I MEAN, WHAT ARE MOIRAILS FOR, RIGHT? KARKAT: THIS IS HOW IT WORKS, I STOP YOU FROM KILLING EVERYBODY, THEN YOU RETURN THE FAVOR AND CALM ME DOWN AND I JUST KARKAT: BREATHE KARKAT: LIKE KARKAT: THIS... KARKAT: SNIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFFFUCK, THAT SUN IS BRIGHT. KARKAT: CALL ME CRAZY, BUT IT'S KIND OF HARD TO RELAX WITHIN A STONE'S THROW FROM, OH, I GUESS ONLY THE BIGGEST FUCKING STAR ANY MORTAL HAS EVER LAID EYES ON. ... KARKAT: BUT I MEAN, CAN THIS BE HEALTHY? KARKAT: AREN'T WE GOING TO GET BURNED OR HAVE OUR RETINAS SCORCHED BY LOOKING AT IT? KARKAT: OH GOD I THINK I'M HAVING A PANIC ATTACK.

But let's go back to that memo where Karkat is freaking out in every way possible. This is how he starts that memo - so upset about the deaths of his friends and terrified by Gamzee that he can barely string together a coherent thought:

CCG: WE ARE SO SCREWED. CCG: OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK. CCG: GUYS, I AM TERRIFIED, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. CCG: I'M IN A ROOM FULL OF BODIES, AND I THINK I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TURN MY BACK ON THEM? CCG: OH MY GOD, I JUST HEARD A HONK. ... CCG: FEFERI, I'M SORRY. CCG: IT WAS MY FAULT, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. PCC: Sorry for w)(at?? CCG: FOR CCG: I CCG: I CAN'T DO THIS CCG: IT'S TOO MUCH FOR ME, I'M SORRY.

In fact, he's so distressed that he bans Past!Feferi and Past!Gamzee almost immediately after they come in. But then Eridan comes in, and... I mean, first of all, just compare how long it takes for him to ban Eridan:

But more interesting are the contents of their conversation. Over the course of talking to Eridan... Karkat completely calms the fuck down. Like he's entirely forgotten that he's shitting his pants with fear. In fact, he even starts critiquing Eridan for his dumbassery:

PCA: evven if i wwasnt compelled to think you wwere still bein flippant and ironic wwith me you cant exactly outright reject me can you CCG: WHY NOT PCA: cause youre future you PCA: doesnt count unless its present you til then its all fair game CCG: IS THIS REAL, ARE YOU BEING IRONIC OR SOMETHING, I CAN'T EVEN TELL ANYMORE CCG: THE PROBLEM IS, I CAN'T PUT THIS SORT OF BEHAVIOR PAST YOU AT ALL, SO I DON'T KNOW. ... CCG: YOU'RE KILLING ANGELS NOW, AREN'T YOU PCA: no CCG: YOU ARE KILLING FUCKING ANGELS, RIGHT NOW, IN THE PAST, WITH YOUR SHITTY GUN. I JUST KNOW IT. PCA: wwell uh PCA: therere just so damn many kar and theyre not gettin any less bloody pissed is the thing CCG: THIS IS WHY IT WOULD NEVER WORK BETWEEN US, MAN.

It's extremely funny. Over the course of talking to Eridan, he goes from:

CCG: OH GOD OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD CCG: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

To:

CCG banned PCA from responding to memo. CCG: ANYWAY CCG: THAT'S IT I GUESS.

Eridan isn't even trying to calm Karkat down. He still succeeds in doing so. This is because they are soul mates. And I mean that in the sense that the comic literally calls being moirails soul mates, which it doesn't do for the other quadrants:

A reasonable human translation would be the concept of a soul mate, but in a more platonic sense, and with a more specific social purpose.

That "social purpose" being that an even-tempered troll calms down a more hot-tempered one, and vice versa.

It also goes on to note:

But some pale pairings, as the one above [referring to a picture of Nepeta and Equius], will be strikingly obvious to all who know them.

But what's really interesting is the next page.

And yet others will seem to have been hatched for each other.

Did you catch that? Let me zoom in.

(Also, the blue and red cuttlefish to represent Sollux - Feferi and Sollux spend the whole game together, and even wind up talking about their feelings constantly in a pile - more on piles in a sec.)

In fact... in Eridan's first visual appearance...

The crab has always been there for him.

It's also important to talk about the bottle of Faygo that's been photoshopped to be candy red, Karkat's blood color. The path that it takes actually directly mirrors Karkat's relationships with Gamzee and Eridan - it's initially something that Gamzee has, but winds up being ejected out of his life, and washes up on Eridan's shore. In fact:

TC: SnAtCh aN IcEcOlD, dOg TC: MoThErFuCkIn cHuG ThAt sHiT LiKe yOu aNd tHe bOtTlE WaS ReUnItEd lOvErS CA: are you recommendin a bevverage to me or somethin CA: is that wwhat this is TC: YeAh mAn SlAm A FaYgO CA: i dont havve a fuckin faygo you stupid fuck wwhy wwould i keep that disgusting shit on hand TC: ArE YoU MoThErFuCkIn sUrE AbOuT ThAt? CA: oh CA: oh god youre right i do CA: i totally forgot about it TC: YoU SeE MaN TC: MoThEr TC: FuCkIn TC: MiRaClEs TC: :o)

When Gamzee and Eridan discuss this exact bottle, Gamzee even likens it to "reunited lovers"; it's something that Eridan has had this whole time (after all, he was cheating on Feferi with the guy), but never realized.

There are a few miscellaneous things that don't really mean anything on their own, but put next to all this other stuff, is worth considering, so I'll list those now.

First, they both do the bonk:

Second:

CG: ARE WE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE BECAUSE OF STUFF I SAID. TA: eheheheh you LIITERALLY a2k me that every tiime are you jokiing. TA: ii cant even tell anymore. CG: IT'S A JOKE MORON. CG: HONESTLY I'M JUST GLAD NOBODY ELSE IS PRIVVY TO OUR CONVERSATIONS.

Third, Karkat muses to his future self about how he misses his friends, especially the assholes, two pages before staring at a dead Eridan's ass (joking, he's definitely looking at WV, but it's still significant that this thought is being associated with Eridan):

CCG: I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG. CCG: I MISS ALL OF MY DEAD FRIENDS A LOT. CCG: EVEN THE ASSHOLES! I MISS THEM TOO. MAYBE EVEN ESPECIALLY THEM, IN SOME PERVERSE WAY. CCG: AND I SHOULD BE RELIEVED THAT THEY ALL SEEM TO BE HAPPY IN SOME WAY, EVEN IF IT'S BY FLOATING NEBULOUSLY THROUGH DREAM PROJECTIONS WITH THEIR FREAKY BLANK EYES. CCG: AND I GUESS I AM RELIEVED ABOUT THAT. CCG: BUT AT THE SAME TIME IT'S LEFT ME UNSETTLED.

Fourth, in the same conversation, he bemoans his failed relationship with Terezi, before Future!Karkat chastises Past!Karkat for his instability and mixed signals. Going back to the page on moirallegiances, an explicit function of a proper pale relationship is stabilizing a troll's other relationships:

The two partners in a strong pale relationship will serve to balance and complement each other's emotional profiles, and thus allow their other relationships to be more successful.

Of course, I don't need to tell you how messy and unstable Eridan's relationships have been.

And finally, Piles of Stuff™ are associated with moirails, and directly stated in-comic to cause an outpouring of emotion:

Standing near this pile stirs powerful emotions. The closer you stand to piles of stuff, the more freely the feelings flow. It is a law of reality.

So here's a seven-word tragedy for you: For Sale, Shitty Wand Pile, Never Used:

ERIDAN: at least i got the upright basic decency to hide my shitty wand pile somewwhere in the lab you wwont find it dont evven bother lookin KARKAT: WHY DO YOU ASSHOLES HAVE PILES OF THINGS, JUST STOP.

(Which he specifically tells Karkat about.)

So, yeah, what I'm saying is, there's just, like, a weirdly large amount to read into here. That Karkat and Eridan are probably soulmates or whatever. And that this is important because...

Eridan Is Plot Relevant (Well All The Dead Trolls Are But This Is An Essay About Eridan)

So. Now we are going to talk about themes. Yes, like we are in schoolfeeding again. I'm going to keep it simple, because "The Themes of Homestuck" is a whole essay on its own, and this one about just the shitty fish boy is already way too long.

I think it's fairly non-controversial to posit that the main theme of Homestuck is, "children should mature, care about each other, and throw off the shackles of their old society, because they will be responsible for a new world one day."

Up until Game Over/the Retcon, this is so prevalent and well-established that SBURB/SGRUB's coming-of-age themes will outright be commented upon by the characters, and the main villain is a child who deliberately stunted his own growth so he could go around kicking over other peoples' toys forevermore.

So, the thing is, with that being the theme of Homestuck, if ALL of the Alternian trolls don't survive to the end, the ending is thematically unsatisfying, because the message suddenly gains an addendum of "well, some kids just need to die," which totally sucks. Like, sure, Eridan was a violent, crazed murderer even at the best of times, but his permanent death within the canon ending kind of means that the comic is saying that people in his position don't deserve kindness or second chances. That position being a traumatized, emotionally neglected child, who was being bullied by people he considered his friends. It's a pretty terrible message.

It's even worse when you consider what other trolls don't make it to the end - Nepeta, the most outspoken troll against the hemospectrum (and Davepeta does NOT count, don't try to tell me the final culmination of Nepeta's character arc is being combined with some guy she barely knows and a bird). Feferi, who genuinely wanted the best for others, even if she was kind of a privileged princess. Aradia and Sollux also stay behind in the bubbles, even though their lives have pretty much been endless parades of suffering and being used by other people. Even Equius doesn't deserve it - he was kind of a casteist freak, but not irredeemably so, and the fact that he became kinder to Karkat over the course of SGRUB proved that he had the capacity to change. And Tavros, allergic to himself and being insulted by Vriska, is a terrible way to end his arc.

It's also really clear that, since half his friends are dead, Karkat just doesn't really have anything to do. His title is the Knight of Blood, and Blood is about bonds - romance, friendship. And yet, he ends the comic having never figured out what Blood was about, with no confirmed filled quadrants (sorry DaveKat likers, but within the comic itself, DaveKat is never confirmed), and most of his bonds nothing more than ghosts in the bubbles. It's a terribly unsatisfying ending for the most narratively important troll.

I think, then, that even if you don't agree that Homestuck should have ended with full revivals and redemption arcs for all the trolls, the essay is going to proceed on like you do, so, sorry, I guess.

The thing with Eridan, specifically, is that he's actually tied deeply into the plot and themes, and his return means more than just Karkat finally getting a date (although that's important, too). Eridan is directly intertwined with a prophecy to kill Lord English; he's set up to mirror Caliborn and Calliope; and thematically, his redemption would be the most clear instance of the "interrogating society" part of the theme of Homestuck, because Eridan is kind of the Society Troll. And also, he was definitely supposed to be Roxy's wizard boyfriend.

Just gonna get that last one out of the way real quick because it's a fast one, Roxy fucking loves wizards and is a hipster. Eridan is a wizard and is also a hipster. Roxy has a crush on a prince. Eridan is also a prince. Roxy wears a purple striped scarf. Eridan wears a blue striped scarf. Roxy uses rifles. Eridan uses rifles. Momlonde's introduction includes a passive-aggressive fridge battle that features a cameo of Eridan's quirk.

Using the colorful MAGNET LETTERS, you recently left a succinct message, which may or may not have been directed toward anyone in particular. But you couldn't find the letter W, so you just stuck two V's together. Your mother then purchased a fresh pack of W's and left them there for your convenience.

Yeah. So. Uh. Not only did Eridan need to be brought back to date Karkat pale, but he also needed to be brought back to date Roxy flushed. Can you imagine how funny it would be. They'd get together within 5 minutes of meeting for the first time and Rose would lose her shit. Anyway.

Him being a parallel to Calliope and Caliborn is also a quick one - Caliborn uses Riflekind/Sceptrekind, and Calliope uses Pistolkind/Wandkind. Eridan's two weapons are rifles and wands. Lord English is described as an evil wizard and at one point is shown using Calliope's wand. Eridan is also an evil wizard who uses a wand.

Look, I'm not saying that Eridan is necessarily directly related to these two, nor am I even necessarily saying that he and Roxy HAVE to date, but I am saying that he's got Weird Plot Connections that make him bizarrely relevant to characters that only come into play well after his death - almost like the comic was setting up that he would be coming back. His reaction to Cronus supports this, which I go into detail about here.

There's other strange "Eridan's plot important" things, too - like the fact that he's completely unimpressed by Faygo, considering it to be "just soda," and seems to be the only non-cultist who's okay with it. Or the fact that he's actually been awake on Derse since before the game (but unable to hear the horrorterrors, maybe foreshadowing some psychic resistance?) which he casually reveals to Kanaya and which Terezi is aware of, hence he's included in the people she names are "in" on the existence of the game. Or the fact that the genetic code for Alternia's first guardian was written within the pages of four FLARP books, with the addition of a fifth code Gamzee wrote in Karkat's ~ATH book... but Eridan was the fifth FLARP player in the team, implying that Doc Scratch/LE influencing Gamzee caused him to usurp Eridan's part of the first guardian code, giving LE his way into the trolls' universe.

Individually, it's all kind of nothing, but it just paints a bigger picture of Eridan being weirdly relevant, especially when we get to the juicy stuff:

The Prophecy

ARANEA: The 8ard of Hope may seem a little jaded these days, 8ut he once had a deeply a8iding faith in magic, and dedicated himself to 8ecoming a great wizard. He 8ecame convinced he was hatched to defeat an extraordinarily evil magician, one he swore the angels foretold of. ... [T]his magician once somehow from afar tried to strike him down at a young age, so he would never have to face him. 8ut the evil spell was deflected, sealing the magician's spirit away in a series of unassuming vessels until he could find some other cunning way to enter our universe. ... ARANEA: 8ut at some point he 8ecame disillusioned with magic. If there ever was any truth to his far fetched vision, the legacy of defeating the evil magician would have to 8e passed on to his descendant, or if his descendant proved to 8e as much of a failure as he did, then perhaps on to some other Hero of Hope.

ERIDAN: i slaughtered enough angels to knoww my limits and wwhere i stand against the lord of all angels they prophecized

GG: im pretty sure hes from the future! CA: wwhy GG: because he said hes my grandson CA: wwhat the fuck is a grandson CA: is that some kind of pervverse human familial thing GG: umm yes ... CA: that gun i just gavve you is somethin of a hatchright to the kid CA: happy i could play a role in your dirty stinkin lineage GG: like an heirloom? i guess it could be ... CA: i kinda think thats wwhy i found the gun in the first place CA: but noww im forsakin it because fuck i just found a better destiny than my old crappy one wwhich i nevver got any appreciation for anywway

Jake is supposed to have been the one to defeat Lord English. (No, Jake defeating pre-LE Caliborn right before he gets sealed into Cal doesn't count! He doesn't even get the final blow in that fight, DIRK does.)

But Eridan at one point had that destiny on his shoulders. Aranea turbohealing Jake, and the resultant hope field, summons a bunch of angels, which are heavily associated with Eridan - yet another random connection that Eridan has with future plot events.

Jake was another character, alongside Karkat, who was kind of reduced to a joke by the end, despite the fact that he had literally, directly, been passed the destiny of defeating Lord English. It's hard not to see this as a consequence, at least in part, of removing Eridan from the story. By cutting him out of the fabric of the ending, several plot threads - including this prophecy - are left dangling in irrelevance. And so Jake, like Karkat, now has nothing to do.

Homestuck is generally a series where every prophecy does come true, which makes it kind of startling when several prophecies fail to - Feferi's to "unite the two races," Jake's to defeat Lord English, and Karkat's to bring "compassion, forgiveness, and equality among all bloodlines" in the Signless's place.

That last one is actually relevant to:

The Thematic Importance of EriKar As Soul Mates

Eridan represents the worst aspects of Alternian society. He's a sea dweller at the top of the caste structure, with free reign to murder whoever he wants, soaked in the blood of thousands of innocent trolls. He espouses the casteist rhetoric that their society is built on, calling for the deaths of all land dwellers and the oppression of the lower castes. And while he should be benefitting from his position of privilege, it has also done nothing but hurt him.

Karkat, meanwhile, is a pariah. A mutant who would've been culled on sight, who spent his entire life living in hiding, and most of the game in fear that he would be ostracized or worse by the rest of his friends if they found out about his blood color. He's also the second coming of Troll Jesus, and thus, more despised by the Alternian ruling class than a mutant normally would be. For most of his life, he dreamed of nothing more than finding belonging within the society that had deemed him unfit.

Their friendship is something that "should not be." The highblood and the mutant. The royal-v and the off-spectrum. The empress's sea dweller and the second coming of the signless. Eridan "should" see Karkat as a miscreant to cull on sight. Karkat "should" be terrified of Eridan's very existence.

But in reality, Eridan doesn't give a shit about blood color, and Karkat just wants to be accepted. Eridan just wants someone to care about him, and Karkat loves his friends. Aside from Feferi, Eridan is the only highblood who never comments about Karkat's mutant blood, and they were best buddies even before Eridan knew.

Eridan and Karkat getting together isn't JUST the two most undateable trolls on the team finally landing a stable quadrant. These two, moreso than any other pairing, represent the themes of Homestuck. Children growing up, caring about each other, and throwing off the shackles of their old society.

In the pre-retcon timeline, their team failed to do so. This led to Gamzee falling into his highblood clown cult, Equius letting himself and Nepeta die by submitting to his place in the hemospectrum, Vriska killing Tavros because she couldn't allow herself to show weakness, and Eridan completing his caste's dream of genocide. Karkat spent the entire meteor trip and beyond beating himself up about it, since he considered it all to be his fault.

But with the introduction of John's retcon powers, they have the chance to, one by one, redeem themselves. I believe that's how the original ending would have gone: Terezi would ask John to bring Vriska back, because she only feels comfortable fixing her own mistakes. Vriska would then have asked John to bring back Tavros, whom she regretted killing. Tavros would be there for Gamzee, rendering him an ally. Gamzee would ask John to bring back Equius and Nepeta. Equius would ask John to help him not make the same mistakes with Aradia, and Aradiabot would catch John by the wrist and demand he bring her back in time to before she died, allowing her to circumvent her own death and Sollux's guilt. Sollux would ask John to keep him from provoking Eridan, saving Feferi. And Feferi would be pretty ok with the way things were... but KARKAT would then pull John aside, and drop an entire book of mistakes he made on John's lap, and this would result in a finalized timeline where all his friends are alive and god-tiered.

Because all the trolls SHOULD have survived.

Vriska should've survived because people should be allowed to have second chances.

Tavros should've survived because caring about each other, and being willing to show kindness and mercy, are good things.

Gamzee should have survived because people mired in religious fundamentalism and cults deserve to be offered a helping hand.

Equius should've survived because people should be allowed to grow and change their beliefs.

Nepeta should've survived because she was the anti-casteism troll. Casteism is bad, folks! Not only that, but I'm convinced that she was originally going to give the Ultimate Self exposition, and Davepetasprite^2 had to be contrived in the canon ending in order to shortcut Nepeta's character development, ruining it in the process.

Aradia should've been allowed to stay with the rest of the team and live a life free of the control of evil uncles and shitty ancestors.

Sollux should've been allowed to stay with the rest of the team because we all deserve to heal and be happy.

Feferi should've survived so she could be in a kismesistude with Nepeta, and realize that casteism itself is bad, not just the definition of culling, and then used her Witch of Life powers to even out the lifespans between the next generation of trolls, which needs to happen or else casteism will just happen again as long-lived highbloods inevitably amass power. And, also, it would complete the prophecy Gl'bgolyb gave her that she was intended to unite the two races (dream bubbles don't count, because by that metric, Sollux did more than she did by establishing a connection between the trolls and humans).

And Eridan should've survived, because the harm society has done to us can be undone. We don't have to submit to the roles it imposes, to the laws it wrote, to the abuse it inflicted. We can be free.

I've seen a lot of people who believe that such-and-such character did SUCH awful things that they don't deserve a happy ending. Oftentimes, it's Eridan, but nearly all of the dead trolls have gotten this treatment. So, let me just ask all of you who have gotten this far and still hold that opinion one thing. Do you think that's what Troll Jesus would have wanted?

This is why pale EriKar is so important: for it to happen, Eridan has to make a choice between upholding the beliefs of his shitty society, or pursuing a happier, kinder future, one where he outright rejects the caste system. For it to happen, Karkat has to shake all his insecurities about not being good enough by Alternian standards, and take on the duty of creating something better than what he came from. If pale EriKar happens, it means Eridan and Karkat choose love, not fear. Compassion, forgiveness, and equality.

This choice - this pairing - is the ultimate representation of giving Alternian society one big middle finger. Saying, we don't need you anymore, fuck off! Saying, we reject you at your core; we will choose something better! Saying, we will create a new world, and it will be kinder than the one we came from!

Pale EriKar means LOVE WINS.

Thank you for reading.

[lucigraves]

Can't scroll through any social media without reporting/blocking an ad every other post. Personal creations get no traction. Endless amounts of art tossed into the void only to get drowned out beneath ads or bad faith opinions from someone with 100k followers (majority of whom are either bought or bots) who's completely lost touch with reality. Most social media runs exclusively off of a negative feedback loop, you spend so much time being angry at someone who hit post on something just for clicks. They don't think about you, they don't think about consequences because they're making $ off of you being upset.

Can't drive down a highway without being blinded by full LED screens bigger than my house advertising businesses I've known about for 10+ years. The cost of keeping every light on all 25 billboards in a 10 mile stretch would cover the cost of universal housing for the local area for 5+ years. 5 more storage units pop up in whatever land is left for sale.

Can't listen to a streaming service without an ad after every song. Can't listen to podcasts without 10-20 minutes of paid advertisements; all of them are either gacha games (gambling), weight-loss fads, pyramid schemes, therapy with unlicensed physicians who data mine your personal info or some brand you'd have to be living under a rock to not know. Every YouTube content creator makes videos exclusively about covering some topic or fad you should avoid on TikTok, seemingly bringing the topics even more attention than it had before; 30 minutes long with a 10 minute paid advertisement in the middle.

Can't make important phone calls without being met with automated help systems that never have an option for the issue you're having. If you're lucky enough to get sent to a real person you end up waiting 15+ minutes on hold and most of the time get disconnected before you get through, successfully wasting 30 minutes to an hour of you're limited free time.

Every streaming service has new shows and movies every day. One season, three if you're really lucky. And no more 12-24 episode series, now its 8 episodes, because that's whats bingeable. Nothing good approved for more than 2 seasons and maybe a double feature movie to tie up all of the loose ends they thought they had time to finish up before they dared to put a queer character in their cast. Is buying the media physically worth an ad every 20 minutes? Does it even exist physically; or is it another series that'll be lost to time because corporate noticed they can't make an extra $0.05 on every stream.

Every other ad is temu or shein, every product photo is blatantly ripped off of some individual creator on etsy who handmade the item and hasn't gotten a sale in 6 months. Every corporation relies on stealing from solo artists and creators and mass-producing their one-of-a-kind pieces. If they're lucky enough they'll be allowed to do a collab with a big company, all so they can make 2% of the profit.

All of this on top of having to work however many hours you need to to survive, to get by on (probably) the bare minimum, to scrape by. To pay rent to someone who owns 15 properties and charges you double what they pay monthly. Hoping (for your wallet's sake) that you don't have any emergencies lest you empty out what little savings you've been able to put aside. You get maybe 3 hours of free time in your day between keeping up with household needs. All of that, only to have to fight your way through all of the advertisements to try to enjoy the few minutes of free time you get for yourself.

I wish I could put this into words in a more palatable way, but I'm just so tired of being frustrated that so much of my limited time on earth is being wasted so someone else can make $0.0005 on 30 seconds of my life. I'm tired of being advertised to. There's so few places left worth my time on the internet anymore, because they prioritize a few cents to the ceo over me.

[endless-bunny]

Pathfinder Iconics Comparison Part 1: Classes with Different Iconics

[Part 2: Core Classes] [Part 3: The Remaining PF2 Classes] [Part 4: Classes Who Got Demoted] [Part 5: Prestige Classes] [Part 6: Who's left?]

Paizo hit upon a really clever bit of design when they came up with the idea of "Iconic" characters.* Unlike some other role-playing games, which have illustrations full of generic characters and scenarios, each character class in the Pathfinder Roleplaying Game is illustrated with an Iconic character. These are fleshed-out characters in their own right, and in addition to appearing in illustrations throughout the books, they're used for novels and comics and fiction of all sorts. Some of them appear as party members in Kingmaker and Wrath of the Righteous. *Note: I have since come to learn that the character illustrations in the Player's Handbook for the third edition of Dungeons & Dragons were considered Iconic. The characters for the Pathfinder Roleplaying Game therefore represent a continuity of that concept rather than something Paizo came up with. However, I think Pathfinder does it really well, and it's something that is sorely lacking from the fifth edition of Dungeons & Dragons.

Between the first and second editions of Pathfinder, some of the Iconics got swapped out, while others stayed the same but got updated outfits. See below the cut for comparisons between the classes that got swapped, and I'll make separate post for classes which stayed the same.

Note about the artwork: We have the absolute shining star Wayne Reynolds to thank for most of these. He's genuinely my favourite fantasy illustrator. Unless noted otherwise, all illustrations in this post are by him (and all are © Paizo). Paizo credits all the interior artists at the front of each book but finding out which specific artist did each specific piece is a bit tricky. Thankfully, not only does Wayne sign is artwork, he has such a distinctive style, so he's easy to recognise.

We'll start off with the characters who are completely different.

Alchemist

Damiel (PF1, he/him, Elf) and Fumbus (PF2, he/him, Goblin)

Pathfinder 2e has promoted Goblins to a core ancestry, so they wanted one of the new iconics to show it off. Goblins often have a fondness for things blowing up, so alchemist seemed like a perfect choice. Fumbus has already had his own solo adventure in a comic book, while Damiel was featured in Hollow Mountain.

The Alchemist appears in Advanced Players Guide for PF1 and Core Rulebook for PF2.

Gunslinger

Lirianne (PF1, she/her, Half-Elf) and Nhalmika (PF2, she/her, Dwarf)

These ladies are both very cool in their own ways. Lirianne has that sort of Clint Eastwood vibe, peeking out from under her hat. Nhalmika is a real Mama Bear, and it's quite rare to see a mother going adventuring.

The Gunslinger appears in Ultimate Combat for PF1 and Guns & Gears for PF2.

Oracle

Alahazra (PF1, she/her, Human [Garundi]) and Korakai (PF2, he/him, Tengu)

Like goblins, tengu are now more available to player characters in PF2, and Korakai was brought in to demonstrate that.

Lest you worry that Alahazra might have been forgotten, she does appear in the PF2 Advanced Player's Guide as one of the Oracle "quick builds", the Flame Augur. She also continues to appear in scene artwork in the books.

Illus. TBD, it's not Wayne.

The Oracle appears in Advanced Player's Guide for PF1 and Advanced Player's Guide for PF2.

Psychic

Rivani (PF1, she/her, Human [Vudrani]) and Thaleon (PF2, he/him, Elf [Vourinoi])

I love Rivani's outfit, and there is something to be said for completely invisible magic, but the splashes of colour in Thaleon's key art just make it so dynamic I can't help but love it.

The Psychic appears in Occult Adventures for PF1 and in Dark Archive for PF2.

Summoner

Balazar & Padrig (PF1, he/him, Gnome) and Ija & Tuku (PF2, she/her, Human [Bonuwat])

The Summoner is the Pet Class in PF2. It lacks a lot of the granular customisation of the class in PF1, but in exchange the class works in sync with its pet in a way that the Ranger and Druid can only envy.

On a side note, it seems unlikely we'll get the Spiritualist in PF2 given that the Summoner can take an Undead Eidolon and cast Divine spells if she so chooses, so as a bonus, here's Estra (she/her, Human).

The Summoner is found in Advanced Player's Guide in PF1 (with a revised version appearing in Pathfinder Unchained) and in Secrets of Magic in PF2. The Spiritualist is found in Occult Adventures in PF1.

So that's your lot. All five of the classes that got a new Iconic between editions. If I remember, I'll update this post with links to the others once I make them.

[daisywords]

I posted 1,703 times in 2022

That's 1,350 more posts than 2021!

382 posts created (22%)

1,321 posts reblogged (78%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@daisywords

@unbearable-lightness-of-ink

@headspace-hotel

@ettawritesnstudies

@jedi-valjean

I tagged 1,208 of my posts in 2022

Only 29% of my posts had no tags

#art - 221 posts

#second chance wip - 90 posts

#other's writing - 86 posts

#ask game - 59 posts

#other's wip - 42 posts

#boost - 36 posts

#my art - 33 posts

#my writing - 23 posts

#other's art - 19 posts

#writing process - 18 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#i have one black turtleneck and it looks sooooo good on me literally it's like my first date outfit but also i cannot wear it for that long

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Kk just finished A Conspiracy of Kings

Sophos my beloved

the boy is back <3

I just loved Sophos as a narrator! His voice really came through ugh he's just so honest

the shifts between first person to omniscient were interesting I don't think I've ever seen it done in quite that way

bunny :)

"If my affections weren't otherwise engaged" oof

love how the middle section is just King of Attolia pt 2

"that Sophos held Gen's heart in his hand" + "He would have given Eugenides his heart on a toothpick, if asked" ok cool cool

we still stan Eddis Helen

I want to know more about Sophos's sisters they seem cool

uM did he just—yes he did ok he went there

"You shot the ambassador?" my Lord Attolis you gave me the gun

It's all just about how they all love each other but it's so much more complicated than that, except that in the end it isn't

Wow this book is so...heartfelt idk

Sophos my beloved

and here's the complementary doodle of Eddis and our boy Sophos ofc

140 notes - Posted March 14, 2022

#4

Ok so read The King of Attolia yesterday and wow ok

Costis is one of those characters that's just some guy but like. he's my guy

Also I love his friendship with Aris? just like aww look they're friends

just because no one ever sees the king visit the queen doesn't mean he's not you idiots did you forget everything you ever knew about the guy?

I feel like the narrative distance between the reader and Gen has to get further and further away lest we know what he is up to

What did Relius actually do wrong? was kinda confused there tbh

I guess Gen being mortally wounded is just a staple for this series like jeez give the guy a break

And yup there we go

Costis the whole time like "get a room" except they have a room he's just. also there

Aww Sejanus and Dite really did love each other <3

Also Sophos is missing??? Someone better go find him right now

This book was just straight character dynamics and I was riveted

I feel like Megan Whalen Turner Understands Something About Intimacy

This book is so incredibly spicy you guys

ok anyway here's the king and queen themselves and of course our boy Costis

156 notes - Posted March 11, 2022

#3

minimum page counts really coming for those of us who are concise

332 notes - Posted October 4, 2022

#2

can't believe it's 2022 and we still have posts around about not overusing "said" like seriously? Imagine if I made a list of words to use instead of "and." wouldn't that be stupid?

1,162 notes - Posted September 29, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Conlanging for cheaters

quick tips for creating fantasy language(s) that look believable if you squint

Pick a few rules about what letter/sound combinations can and cannot exist (or are common/uncommon). For example, in English, "sp" or "st" can begin a word, but in Spanish they can't. The "ng" sound (or the voiced velar nasal if you want to get technical), can't appear at the beginning of a syllable in English, but it can in at least of third of languages around the world. English allows for consonant clusters (more than one consonant together without a vowel), but some languages, such as Hawaiian, don't. Picking a few distinctive rules that are different from English or the language you are writing in, and sticking to them, will yield a lot better results than just keysmashing.

Assign meaning to a few suffixes, prefixes, or roots. A simple and useful example of this is making up a particle that means -land or -city or -town, and tacking it onto your appropriate place names. You could also have a particle with a similar meaning to the "er/or one we have in English, such as in "baker," "singer," or "operator," and then incorporate it in your fantasy titles or professions. It's like an Easter egg for careful readers to figure out, and it will make your language/world feel more cohesive.

Focus on places and names. You usually don't need to write full sentences/paragraphs in your conlang. What you might want to do with it is name things. The flavor of your language will seep in from the background, with the added benefit of giving readers some hints on background lore. For example, you could have a conlang that corresponds to a certain group of people, and a character with a corresponding name could then be coded as being from that group without having to specify. A human-inhabited city with an elven-sounding name might imply that it was previously inhabited by elves.

You don't have to know what everything means. Unless you are Linguistics Georg R. R. Tolkien, you probably don't want to (and shouldn't!) actually make up a whole language. So stick some letters together (following your linguistic rules, of course) and save fretting over grammar and definitions for the important stuff.

(Bonus) This isn't technically conlanging, but it can be fun to make up an idiom or two for your fantasy culture (just in English or whatevs) and sprinkle that in a few times. The right made-up idiom can allude to much larger cultural elements without you having to actually explain it.

Congrats! You now have a conlang you can dust over your wip like an appropriate amount of glitter. Conlangs can be intimidating, just because there's so much you can do, but that doesn't mean you have to do it all. So yeah anyway here's what I would recommend; hope y'all have fun :D

5,598 notes - Posted May 12, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[f1-birb]

i think i'm just going to start my summer break early now that i've blocked a few more people and really curated my dash.

i obviously hope lando has an amazing home race of course (hope jenson's manifestations work out for him) and i'll be following along on my dash for updates but idk i don't have any more energy to waste on the bullshit that is f1 media and fandom this week

but idk lando can't win regardless of what he does on or off track and it's so tiring.

he's literally coming off a dnf that max was at-fault for and penalized for (and half the people trying to use other pundits and drivers to jump to max's defense are taking other's quotes out of context. nowhere did jenson say max didn't deserve a penalty, he said he didn't deserve a penalty harsher than the one he got. daniel and several other drivers straight up admitted in their statements that they hadn't even seen the incident 💀). he said some things in the heat of the moment and apologized for them. somehow he still got canceled by max fans "for thinking max was just going to hand him wins." max comes out with his own statement word-for-word supporting everything lando just said — and somehow it's disrespectful when lando says it but "mind games to get under lando's skin" when max says it. and now somehow we've reached this conclusion that lando just isn't wdc material since he can't put aside his friendship and actually stand up to max and i just??? just a few days ago you guys were calling him abusive and weak-willed for asking for an apology lest "he end his friendship with max" (which was also a misquote where the media tried to translate an english quote into italian and then back into english, lando never said anything about ending their friendship altogether last weekend), so which is it, is he this big bad bully or this shaking chihuahua to max because i can't keep up with the narrative changing literally every hour at this point

anyway those fans (and it's not even max fans exclusively it's usually the lando-hating lestappies who apparently missed like every lestappen on-track battle prior to 2022 insisting lando can't race wheel-to-wheel and we need charles' superior racecraft back but if i comment on that claim with the lestappen battles prior to 2022 when max couldn't pull the "yield or we crash" strategy because he was trying to recover from 2 dnfs, i'll get myself in trouble) have already kind of ruined this weekend for me because it doesn't even matter what he does on track. he could win, he could flop, he could get a podium, he could dnf — they're going to find something to pick him apart over anyway. so like best of luck to lando but i simply cannot lol

"so which is it, is he this big bad bully or this shaking chihuahua to max because i can't keep up with the narrative changing literally every hour at this point"

and it's the narrative about Max as well that's apparently getting painted, on one hand it seems to be "oh poor baby waby Max, he's too good and too nice, he can't choose his own friends because he chooses horrible peoples" and now this new one of "hehehe look at Max and how clever he is, playing mind games and manipulating dumb little Lando" like sorry he cannot be both, and the second one doesn't make him a good friend btw

but yeah, take the break if you need it, I fully stayed off socials bar DM's for 2 days after lap 65 lol so I totally get wanting and needing a break

[portablefrailty]

Shades of Freshman Year?

This is the kind of win you’re not supposed to get.

Facing a great team on their home ice in a 2-0 hole and desperate to stay in the series; facing the best power play in the league and itching to break an 0-10 drought and avenge a PK that’s surrendered 4 goals; facing a goalie change; coming off 50+ shots faced in Game 2; up against a 40-25 shot disadvantage, a 39% face off win rate, a 31-17 deficit in hits--nothing about Game 3 boded a Rangers win.

The script unfolded as expected in the first. Guentzel, the deadline acquisition who’s scored maybe more playoff goals against the Rangers than any other player, buries another. Carolina allows no let up but holds the lead into mid second period when, at 7:39, Fox gets called for tripping.

Carolina goes on their third power play of the game, hoping lucky 13 will break the drought.

They. have. all. the. momentum.

Guentzel wins the faceoff. For thirty seconds its a firing squad: Burns, Jarvis, Aho, Guentzel and Svechnikov all shoot the puck. One block, one miss and three saves by Igor.

Just past the eight minute mark the whole series undergoes a seismic shift.

Zibanejad jumps a bad cross-ice pass at the blue line. He and Kreider are off--two white streaks breaking down ice with one hapless stick swinging, back checking defender between them.

Kreids buries the shorty. 1-1 score.

For the rest of the second it feels like the Canes (team, coaches and fans collectively) have been punched in the throat. The momentum shift feels like round 2 in Rocky IV after that hook tears Drago’s eye open.

The Canes were so rattled the Rangers damn near scored again on the same kill. Twice.

After that, nothing surprised me. Not the go ahead third period goal. I thought the Rangers might take it 2-1 but Carolina does their thing with the goalie pulled. Svechnikov at 18:24. Ho-hum. No panic. Three minutes and nineteen seconds later (not including intermission)-- By the time Panarin rips the game winner (his fourth), it feels like it's meant to be.

Wins like this are about the surest sign you can ask for that it's your team's year.

The series isn't over (technically), Boston ain't bad and Florida is scary, and the west has got scoring talent galore. Not to mention the Avs: as a Jersey transplant in Colorado, the thought of a another Avalanche cup win, this time at the Rangers's expense, makes me throw up in my mouth.

All of the above notwithstanding--the Rangers have the '94 Mojo. Another President's Trophy, another 7-0 start to the playoffs. They're also rested and, with Chytil back, actually healthier than ever! Unlike the Knicks, who are a Brunson ankle-tweak away from forfeiting--the Rangers are spreading the love and could absorb almost any loss. Just when you think a Ranger's name hasn't been mentioned in a while, he scores.

Hell, with Quick on the bench, we could even survive losing Shesterkin!

The 5-5 issue has turned into a nothing burger with a healthy six to date in these series and a slew in round 1. Not that anemic even-strength scoring matters much when you're dominating on the power play and your PK has more goals on opposing penalties than your opponents do!

In the face of this freight train Carolina be like Michael Spinks after a hard right from Tyson--a fine boxer whose grand strategy is now trickling down his leg and will be lucky to make the first bell.

Lest I be accused of jinxing my beloved Blueshirts: I'm not having Stanley Cup visions yet. But I can't deny that tonight's vibes have a premonitory quality to them.

Not exactly Stephane Matteau, Jim Leyritz or David Tyree tremors.

More like Kovalev's goal in Game 6, Jeffrey Maier's catch, or Brandon Jacobs vs. the shot clock at Texas Stadium.

Rest assured, though, Lord Stanley's mug remains as impossibly silver and elusive to me as the Holy Grail.

After tonight, though, I will permit myself a fond remembrance of the day Ken Conrad brought a cardboard and tinfoil replica to school one fine spring day in the waning weeks of freshman year (June 15th, 1994, to be exact). It was glorious. Every Ranger fan was decked out like an American flag while the eye of every Devil's fan (about 70% of my high school) burned red with bitterness or green with envy at the sight of that faux trophy.

The afterglow lasted precisely one week--ending the night John Starks went 0-11 from three point land doomed the Knicks in Game 7 against the Rockets. After finally getting past the (Jordanless) Bulls, I was sure the script called for a Knicks coronation and felt a bit cheated to be denied the double title.

I was 15. A year later I watched NY getting swept by the Legion of Doom, Claude Lemieux snag the Conn Smythe and the Devils raise their first cup (with two more slated for my college years).

At age 45, I have learned not to take championship glory for granted. 30 years on, following the Rangers negotiate the two month gauntlet that is the NHL playoffs is about a nerve wracking as witnessing my son's birth in the middle of the Boulder Floods of 2013--7-0 record be damned.

Tonight at least I'm making a point to enjoy the ride so far.

[entryno17]

in your opinion, how important do you think gaster will be in the plot line of deltarune? :)

OH BOY AN EXCUSE TO INFODUMP!!!

short answer: VERY.

long answer: VERY,

VERY.

i mean... gaster is the first character that appears in the game—as in, he appears seconds after you boot it up. after asking if he's "CONNECTED" he guides you along the whole gonermaker segment; not only does he serve as the introduction to deltarune, he's literally the person who announced the game itself! that seems... kinda important.

of course there's also the easter egg with smile.ogg playing while trying to use the phone in the dark world, and the weird door that plays smile.ogg slowed down by 666%... gaster is the one who asks if you want to try again when you get a game over, and he narrates the main menu before you beat the game...

there's also the fact that, like, the entire dark world itself seems to be in direct reference to gaster??

gaster had 11 lines in all of undertale, and 4/11 of those were him rambling insanely about 'darkness'. darkness as a concept is at least somewhat important to this guy, and themes of parallels between light/darkness are... pretty prominent in deltarune, to say the least. i can't go into this any further without just reciting the entirety of the plot.

OH! AND! don't forget (haha) deltarune's ending theme.

i'll set aside lyrical analysis of this song for now (just trust me it's also extremely related to gaster), and instead take the time to remind you not to forget about that funny little note in sans's garage:

it's never stated directly, but it's heavily implied that gaster was "forgotten" about. between goner kid's weird spiel about non-existence and the fact that gaster barely seems to exist at all to anyone but his followers, it's safe to assume that gaster being shattered across time and space effectively erased him from reality, thus causing him to be 'forgotten'.

don't forget is the main leitmotif throughout deltarune, appearing in 9 different songs in the ost. if it is related to gaster like i assume it is, that's another point for gaster being extremely important lol.

BUT! his influence in the game goes even deeper than that, believe it or not!! this is a bit hard to explain so bear with me, but gaster is directly present throughout the inner workings of the game. i'll be quoting some stuff from tcrf.net because it explains this better way than i can lol.

The window captions used throughout the game use upper and title case variously, to denote context; the 'light world' sections use title case (eg. "The Beginning", "The Return") and the 'dark world' sections, along with everything else, use upper-case (eg. "THE DARK", "CONTACT", "DELTARUNE").

Internally, most of the game's assets are named using a similar though distinct convention of upper/lower case. Unlike the window captions, the "Dark World" assets, like the "Light World" assets, use lower case, abbreviated prefixes (in Undertale, these were the only prefixes used). Allcaps prefixes/names are only used in the following contexts:

• CONTACT and everything associated with it • The logo screen and main menu (both versions of it) • The game over ("FAILURE") screen • The dogcheck room • UNUSED

These are effectively all of the "out-of-bounds" sections of the game, as it were, with the exception of the ending credits.

okay so... we already know that gaster directly appears in the CONTACT sequence, the main menu, and the game over screen. as for the dogcheck room and 'UNUSED'—both of those can only be accessed through hacking/datamining, and gaster's connection to unused/datamined content in general makes this VERY relevant to him.

anyway, here's a table of these prefixes:

Variable names within allcaps objects also follow this convention, mostly being in allcaps as well, in addition to sometimes utilizing slightly more verbose terminology. One notable counterpart for a common local variable is EVENT, used in place of con (condition).

someone that speaks in all caps and often uses stilted, somewhat verbose vocabulary... sounds familiar, right?

HE CALLS DOGCHECK "SONG_THAT_EMERGES_FROM_A_SLEEPING_DOG". this is not relevant to the point i'm trying to make at all but i need as many people to know this fact as possible.

that's not the only place gaster is hiding, though! there's also some weird, unused rhyming text that seems to describe the mystery man sprite!! basically, gaster's presence is weaved throughout the game and he undoubtedly plays a major role in deltarune—inside and out.

let me loop back to the start of all this. it's pretty widely agreed upon that gaster is/was in cahoots with chara, and their partnership led to the creation of deltarune's world; we're obviously missing a lot of information about this since we've only played the first chapter, but this seems to be what's going on.

chara speaks repeatedly about the creation/destruction of different worlds at the end of no mercy, and deltarune is pretty clearly a separate world based on undertale's world. at the moment, it's anyone's guess what exactly they're trying to accomplish together—chara is also implied to be the person who 'discards' your vessel, so their motives probably don't align in some way. the point is, the world in deltarune was created.

considering all of this... i'm pretty confident that the "SURVEY_PROGRAM" we played is gaster's 'experiment'. as in, literally all of deltarune seems to be at least partially his doing.

... I THINK THAT MIGHT BE IMPORTANT!

[haechanplsacceptmylove]

Regret

Part one 🍓 part two 🍓 part three 🍓 part four 🍓

Plot: you and donghyuck both busy idols but also sensitive, you get mad at his for not giving you attention and you make a quick decision that you will also regret in the future. What's the end tho?

Character(s) : idol!y/n + idol/bf!hyuck, Mino, Jaehyun, mentions of Mark and Yuta.

Genre(s) = angst, swear word(s), smut ( (IF I CONTINUE) in the upcoming parts).

A/n = so far i guess this can be a oneshot but if you guys really insist for a part 2 I'll make it! I already have in mind a better ff about the same topic so i guessssssss I'll make two versions, soon! I'm not really proud of this one but hopefully u guys like it.

"Hyuckkkkiiieeeeeeee!!!!!" You say entering your boyfriends room seeing him sitting on his gaming chair, not really surprised to see him sitting there. He smiles and gets up to give you a quick hug that you don't even get to hug him back "hi baby I'll quickly play a game and give my whole attention to you" he pecks your cheek and sits back on his chair. You look disappointed at him but understanding his situation, he's been working hard with comebacks especially when he's in two active groups. You nod your head and jump on his bed to write some music for your own band's album and playing games to make time go by faster. After 1 and half hour you look at haechan on his third match "Hyuck you've been playing for so long can you now like hang out with me?" you whine stretching your muscles on his bed "wait just one more match" he says without even looking at you, giving all of his focus to the game, you huff and get up to go hang out with the boys in the living room telling hyuck that he'll find you there after he finishes his game. You were honestly kind of disappointed too, you were also and idol who was practising with your band members for your comeback that'll be pretty soon and you're right now using your only free time to hang out with hyuck, otherwise you'd be resting after having an exhausting week with a maximum of 3 hours of sleep everyday. You go to the living room and sit next to Jaehyun who by the way already had a crush on you even before Hyuck confessed to you but he kept his feelings to himself because he didn't want to hurt his best friend. "what's up?" he asks smiling at you "could've been better" you mumble playing with the hem of your shirt looking obviously disappointed which made him frown "where's hyuck?" "playing" you answer in a low voice and he understands it all. The fact that ever since you came 2 hours ago till now Donghyuck didn't spend any time with you really made you think if the game is more important than you.

Mark and Yuta both enter the living room and they start chatting with you and time goes by. You look at your phone 23:45, you've been here for 3 hours and here you are, hanging with your boyfriend's friends while your boyfriend is busy giving his attention to a game that he can play anytime. You message Mino, your best friend and also your first love ever but you already broke up years ago on good terms because you both were so busy and it all went normally, but everyone knows about your past with him and everyone also knows how much he still loves you which you haven't really noticed yet and which hyuck is pretty jealous of. You huff and excuse yourself going to hyuck's room to take your bag. "where are you going" hyuck says getting up from his gaming chair walking towards you "i finished playing" he opens his arms for you for a hug but you ignore him and take your bag from his desk "I'm going " you say without looking at him, he frowns "but you just came" "hyuck I came fucking 3 hours ago but yeah it's probably 15 minutes in your time because nothing wins over your amazing game that you can't live without and now im going back, not home but to fcking practice AGAIN" you walk past him huffing with visible frustration, you were so done, hyuck tries to stay calm at your sudden attitude "who's taking you?" he asks excepting you to say you're going by a taxi so he could offer you a ride "Mino", he frowns "you're not going, I've told you many times to not hang out with him! " he holds your arm and yells but you push his hand away "oh yes I am and you can go back to play your stupid game at lest Mino gives me all his attention" you we're so frustrated because first you're so exhausted, you've been working so hard the entire week, second you were supposed to rest but you came to see your boyfriend and give him your time, third HE ISN'T EVEN APOLOGISING TO YOU FOR IGNORING YOUR EXISTENCE FOR THE PAST 3 ALMOST 4 HOURS?????!!!! AND NOW HE'S REFUSING TO LET HANG OUT WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND??! you thought to yourself feeling so mad. "Hyuck, let's... Let's have a break" you say and walk out of the dorm leaving Donghyuck shocked standing still trying to let the words you just said load, seeing your best friend Mino waiting for you in his car you jump in and drive away. "So where are we going?" Mino asks, you look out of the window right at your boyfriend's room's window feeling your eyes watering "home".

[judgement-free-sideblog]

Dancing lessons

Summary: Barry is finally cast in a feature, the problem? He said he could dance and now he can either disappoint Sally or found a way to learn some steps.

Part 1 ● Part 2 ● Part 3 ● Part 4 ● Part 5 ● Part 6 ● Part 7 ● Part 8 ● Epilogue

Warnings: Swearing, blood, violence, guns, cheating maybe.

Part 5

And alarm clock went off somewhere and Barry woke up alone, he check out his watch and it said 7:00 a.m. just 4 hours had passed and he could feel the absence of the woman that was next to him just a couple minutes before.

He felt guilty, not entirely sure why and kept his head pressed down on the couch, it was not cheating, right? He had spend the night with a woman who wasn't his girlfriend, having dinner and playing board games and cuddling in the couch... but he did it because she was injured.

And smelling her hair and pushing her against him while they were sleeping was only to keep her safe, it meant nothing, it meant so little that he wouldn't mention a single thing to Sally, because there was nothing to talk about, she was his dancing instructor and a mean rival at scrabble, and now possibly a friend, a friend with beautiful eyes and flowy hair, whit a delicate body that fit perfectly in his arms...a friend with warm skin and red lips he was dying to know what would they taste like.

"Morning sunshine!" Her voice made him shake those dangerous thoughts away and he stood up to see her already dressed and holding two cups of coffee and a bag from a local bakery. "I didn't mean to wake you, but since I'm fine I thought you could use a coffee before going home".

"No, it's okay. Thanks" He said rubbing his eyes and joining her at the kitchen "Are those croissants?" He asked while she put the pastry on a platter.

"They are, I figured since I'm taking the day off I might as well make the best out of it, and since I can't drink an enormous amount of sugar and chocolate is the second best option" she took a bite of one of the pastries and he sited in front of her not quite sure of what he was supposed to say.

She on the other hand seemed not uncomfortable at all, she had a pink headband covering the stitches and that was the only difference, she continued to be the same relaxed and friendly woman she ever was. He was relived but also hurt a little maybe he thought they will have a long heartfelt conversation about the nature of their relationship and how sorry he was about his behavior but she didn't seem to mind at all, maybe it was for the best, at least they were friends now.

He walked down the stairs after he make her promise ten times she would not be opening the studio, and that he would check up on her in the afternoon. He was walking to his car when a familiar sensation in th back of his head alarmed him. He was being followed.

He opened the door cautiously looking around but he didn't see anyone and then, crossing the street in front of him, not caring enough to hide Fuches approach him, he froze in the spot, knowing too well his gun was safe under his bed and that he didn't even had a knife on him.

He looked better than the last time he saw him, no more open wounds, and his clothes were actually clean and new, but even when he looked put together his eyes looked tired and older than ever, maybe that's why he left him approach so easily.

Fuches opened the passenger's door and got inside, and Barry did the same, he start driving in silence in the unspoken understatement that they will do this in a more private place since the people opening the stores on that street were already coming out.

***

You let go a sigh of relief once he left, and look at your empty apartment already bored to death with the idea of staying in the whole morning, but you have promised not to do anything crazy so you put on a movie and sit on the couch in an attempt to become a cozy sloth.

Horror films were the select genre, trying to avoid anything remotely romantic that could reignite the feelings you have woken up to that morning. Not that his arms around your body didn't felt like heaven, because they did, but because you were sure you were dancing on a thin line that you were not willing to cross.

That's why you try so hard to be normal around him, there was no way you would give in on your feelings for Barry specially not around him, and yet you couldn't fight the urge to have him back and just talk to him, about anything he would think off, kick his ass in scrabble again, maybe you were just friends? Maybe after years of being harsh on yourself feeling like a faliure his presence and his optimism about his career was all that had attracted you and you wanted to be around him because it remained of you when you started and he was a nice person worth being friends with.

But that didn't explain why you needed to take a cold shower after he showed you the scars on his exposed skin, nor why did you went to sleep dreaming of touching them, you have to end that, starting with putting a barrier between the two, specially since he was happy with someone else, as happy as you are, you said angry at yourself and push your mind away from him.

Two hours passed and you were fine watching young attractive people running from their lifes, that you forgot that you were supposed to stay away from him and send him a text.

Since we are not dancing this afternoon you should bring money and alcohol and make the scrabble more interesting

The moment you hit "send" you regretted it, and ten minutes went by without any response, you were about to send another message making sure he knew you were just joking when to make the situation worse, the door opened and Alan walked in making you jump on the couch in surprise.

He was holding a nice bouquet of flowers and was about to say something nice when his expression changed with concern.

"What the hell happened to your head?" You have taken the headband off and the stitches were visible, he left his stuff on the ground while you try to explain what had happened leaving one important detail in the dark. "Why didn't you call? Y was free at 5 but I went out for drinks with the guys, you could have called, are you okay? I'm calling your doctor" His paternal voice while he check the wound make you feel worse even when you have done anything remotely accusatory.

"I'm fine, how was Dallas? Did you guys got the old man to sign?" He smile at you, like he always did when you resume his job into making old CEOs to sign their company's away to him and his lawyer friends.

"We did, in fact I was dying to get here to get you out to celebrate" He said pointing out the flowers "But maybe champagne is not the best idea right now" He said looking worried at the injury again.

"That and also the fact that is 10:00 a.m." You said and while he pick up his stuff from the floor and you quickly check your phone, no answer, maybe it was for the better, Barry Berkman was a dangerous path that you shouldn't walk and you could send a text cancelling your class later. You turn off the phone and help Alan out of his jacket.

He took you by the waist and pulled you in for a kiss, maybe was the guilt you felt what was making you eager to ease away a pain you haven't cause him yet but you deepened the kiss right there in the middle of the living room.

"Why was that for?" He asked with a confused happy look on his face holding you tight.

"Well is too early for champagne, but maybe not for other ways to celebrate" You said running your hands trough his arms and resting them on his chest.

"But your head..." He started with his hands on your back already making another choice.

"I'm fine, let's go" you wink at him and he carried you to the bedroom, with your heart rising on your chest loudly enough for your guilty thoughts to remain silent at least for the moment.

***

"Scoring with a married lady, I never thought you have that in you" Fuches said jokingly and Barry's hand tighten around the wheel.

"Leave her out of this" He growled and he saw the grin on Fuches face in the corner of his eye, he was teasing him and he fall right in "That's not what I was doing, she is just a friend" He added with lest conviction knowing he had said too much already.

"I know kid, you are way too decent to do that stuff, weird since you have no problem killing, but anyway I like the blonde one better..." he didn't finish talking since Barry almost lost control of the car when he mentioned Sally.

"Let Sally out of this or I swear to God I'll kill you right now" this time Fuches expression was not pleased, he looked at the road concerned with Barry's actions.

They parked in a drugstore that was empty at that time in the morning. And stand outside the car just watching the fence of the parking lot, Fuches light a cigarette and offered one to Barry but he rejected it.

"You are getting clumsy you know?" He said after a while, trying to find a way to bring on the subject without activating the timebomb he was when he got angry. "Using your own name on the hospital was stupid, oh yeah I know about your little excursion to the E.R." He said tossing the butt of the cigarette in the ground "This 'friend' of yours must be close to call herself Mrs. Berkman doesn't she?"

"She is my dance teacher... people assumed things" He started and the slight guilt in his voice was enough for Fuches to take the reins of the conversation.

"And I'm sure your girlfriend was aware of your whereabouts last night" He said, studying his reaction "Oh she doesn't know?"

"So you are going to threaten me with snitching on me with Sally now?" He said surprised "That's a bit ridiculous, why did you came back man?" He asked tired, he was sure now tha he could never kill him, no matter how much he had damaged him, that's not who he was anymore but his hesitation to end things with him encouraged Fuches to keep coming back into his life.

"Well the Chechens were not please to lose their men, the Bolivians think NoHo Hank betrayed them and the Burmese mob wanted you dead" He said and a pain in his head reminded Barry of the that night, and flashes of his actions play before his eyes, their men, the light fading away from Mayrbeck eyes still haunted him time to time. "Or whoever killed their leader for that matter, only the Chechens knew it was you and they kept it to themselves" he continued and Barry came back to the present, only nodding in understanding "So those guys thought it was Cristobal, since he survived your little outburst"

"And I suppose you didn't have anything to do with them thinking that" Barry assumed correctly.

"Of course not, as I also tip off NoHo Hank that his sweetheart was in danger so he could protect him" He said with a grin "Poor guy is so smitten by him is actually sweet, anyway the Bolivians and the Chechens got in peace after and they stop trying to kill me and welcome me into the family, but they were at war with the Burmese"

"And why does any of that to do with me? since you say they don't know who I am... they told them right? Hank rat me out to the Burmese?" He said connecting the dots on his head, and finally starting to get nervous about his momentary quiet life to blow up.

"It was a peace offering, they will give them this maniac killer who wrong the three of them and restore their peace, and they did already" He said putting out a photograph of a man covered in tattoos liying on the ground with multiple bullet holes on his body and head. "This is Marion Kowalski, an ex navy seal who mess with the wrong people and did some shady jobs for the mob for a price, and the American responsible for the Monastery massacre, and now they are all in peace"

"I don't understand any of these" Barry said regaining a momentary calm.

"Well Hank and Batir, the new boss, have different ideas about what peace means" He said turning on another cigarette "Hank is happy to keep the business running in peace and for Batir is a strategy to hurt them back with all they got." He put a hand on his shoulder when he said the last part and gave him a sad look.

"That includes me? It's insane man, I'm not coming with you, you can't convince me" He said putting his hand aside.

"No kid, I'm not here trying to convince you, this is a heads up" He said and pull out a passport with one of his many fake identities "I'm leaving to Italy, Hank arranged it, they are actively looking for you and since I don't know where you are I'm no longer useful but since he owns me Cristobal's life I got this last favor. They won't take a no for an answer and you either join them as a weapon or as a trophy".

"How long do I have?" He said now finally accepting the cigarette he offered him and looking away thinking.

"I don't know, Hank has been deviating their attention until I'm clear, after that I guess a day or two before they make a formal offer and after that is all up to you" He said and showed him a plane ticket "I'm leaving in a week so if I were you I will start making myself hard to find"

"Are you really going to Italy?" Barry asked finally after they share the silence, knowing too well it was the last time they will meet.

"Maybe, I wouldn't trust my own words, it was good seeing you kid" He said and offered him his hand. "Take care".

"You too" Barry said and resisted the urge to hug him since there were still too many open wounds between the two of them, that now will never have closure, Fuches turn away and start walking before Barry called him again "Hey Fuches!" He turned his head at him with a sad expression again "Thanks" they nodded and he walked away.

Barry tossed the cigarette on the ground and stood there for another ten minutes before getting on his car, his first instinct was to drive away and leave it all behind but he couldn't start the engine, so he took out his phone not sure who he was calling, there were 3 text messages on his screen, one from Sally from an hour ago, another from Y/N grom fifteen minutes before, and a third one from Andre just two minutes ago, in an attempt to ignore his reality read his first.

Where the fuck are you Block? We have the crew ready and I'm not putting my production on hold for you!

Before he could look at the other two Andre was calling him incredibly mad at him, and he shut everything else down and simply started his car while he answered.

"I'm sorry, I slept in, I'm on my way"

[theladylovingcrow]

New Places, Friendly Faces Part 2 (Sanny)

Author (As known on Various sites): Lady Lover- Rockfic, Luluthechoosingcrow - AO3, theladylovingcrow - Deviantart and Wattpad, @sammy_bluebells - Instagram, @imacrowcawcaw - main Tumblr, @theladylovingcrow - writing/art Tumblr, @insannywestan - Sanny shipping Tumblr

Fandom: Greta Van Fleet

Pairing: Sam Kiszka/Danny Wagner (Sanny), lil bit of Danny/Ronnie but he's quickly swept away with Sam

Length: about 2.7k

Warnings/Tags: Alternate Universe, Diner AU, No band AU, fluff, some angst, awkwardness, first dates, hand holding, flirting, Sanny

Summary: Danny was nervous; he had been building up the courage for weeks to arrange a date, and now.... He wasn't quite sure what to think of the situation he found himself in. The night certainly wasn't going as he had expected it to - and his emotions had never ridden a roller coaster this fast. Hell, the beautiful angel holding his hand wasn't even the one he had arranged to meet 2 hours ago.

Author's Notes: Here's the next part, it picks up right where the last left off! I'm hoping that I can update on a weekly basis - every Monday - but I'm not sure if I'll be able to punch out the next part quick enough, since I'm having a hectic week back home with all of my family. But I'll try!

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"Hey, I've got your pie. Mind if I sit and eat mine with you?"

Danny was startled into full consciousness again by that slightly raspy, warm voice he had been imagining calling his name. He looked up, wide eyed and probably gaping like a love struck fool at the super smart supermodel himself standing over his booth, a plate of pie in each hand.

He must have taken Danny's silence, or maybe the awed stare, as assent, because Sam sat down opposite him and set one of the plates of pie in front of Danny.

He cautiously picked up his fork and speared a bite of pastry, keeping a wary eye on Sam while doing so. Daydreaming about holding someone's hand and actually having them sit - uninvited, he might add - across from you were two very different things. Who knew what Sam was actually like, or what Danny would let slip out of his mouth if he got too comfortable?

Sam was already digging into his slice, gathering up a big forkful of flaky crusts and filling to shove into his mouth. Danny was honestly a little worried: he ate like he hadn't seen food in days, and he kind of looked it, too.

"Mmph, man, Stephen makes the best damn pie I've ever had. Just don't tell my grandma I said that," Sam confided in him with a wink, making Danny turn red. God, when had he *ever* been this flustered around someone? He wasn't making a very good impression sitting there mute and acting stupid, he was sure.

"Uhh, Sam... why did you come sit with me?"

Sam looked up at him, his brow quirked.

"How do you know my name? Are you one of Jake's friends?"

'Shit!'

"No, I heard it earlier from-" he was about to say Beiber, but luckily stopped himself, "From one of your brothers, the one with the straight hair. Which one is Jake?"

"Oh, that's him, and Josh is on his left, talking to Kyle. Micah and Jeremy are the ones having a fight with the butter knives by the way, they're the twins' best friends. Huh, I really thought you knew them, you look like the kind of guy that hangs out with us."

Danny wasn't sure if that was a compliment or not. He figured it would be best to stay silent and let Sam continue talking, lest he embarrass himself somehow.

"What are you- God, I seriously can't get enough of this pie. What are you doing here all by yourself? Trying to get away from your chores or something?" Sam asked, mouth full.

"What? No," Danny said, brow furrowing a bit. He was a good boy, he always did his chores - the least he could do to help his mom out, really.

"Hmm, maybe you're running away? No, I got it! You're actually a health inspector disguised as a regular customer, and you're gonna crack down on the roaches in the kitchen!"

Danny shook his head, reluctantly enjoying the little guessing game Sam had decided to start playing - he wouldn't want the real reason to come out. Or would he? Would that give him a shot with Sam?

'Get real, he's too pretty for you. And he's probably straight, and thinks you're straight, too.'

"Sam! You KNOW there are no roaches here, stop trying to scare away my customers!"

Ronnie came up, smacking him on the back of the head with her hand and smiling at Danny, as if to say 'Don't mind him.'

Danny smiled shyly back at her, commenting on how good the pie was. In truth, he hadn't even taken the single bite he'd put on his fork yet, but it was somehow less awkward to talk to her than to look at Sam.

She said she was glad he was enjoying it and went back to the kitchen to fetch him more coffee. He watched her go, wanting to ask her to stay but knowing that would be incredibly weird; Sam just made him so nervous, he would have felt better with Ronnie's calm demeanor and sweet smile there to help him breath.

"Oh! You're here for Ronnie!" Sam whispered, looking enlightened and possibly a little crestfallen (but Danny was pretty sure that was just wishful thinking).

"No, no, I'm not. She's just nice that's, all. I'm not after her, man," Danny said.

Even though he did find Ronnie very attractive - and he could admit he had a desire to spend more time with her - he wasn't staying solely because of her, and he certainly didn't want Sam to get upset with the thought that Danny was trying to hit it with his sister.

"Dude, it's alright, I'm not gonna kick your ass or anything. Unless you hurt her..." Sam trailed off, looking suddenly so menacing that Danny was actually a bit afraid.

"I- I'm really not."

It looks like Danny's mouth had chosen trying his luck with Sam over Ronnie and, honestly, he wasn't upset by that. Sam was absolutely gorgeous and incredibly interesting: bold, humorous, intelligent, pretty, everything that Danny ever wanted. If only Danny was in his ballpark.

"Oh, c'mon! You're just sitting here by yourself, obviously waiting for someone. And Ronnie's been smiling at you so much, always coming over to your table. Her shift's over in half an hour, where are you taking her?"

'Fuck! He's really not getting it!'

"Ronnie is beautiful, but I'm not here for her. I'm- I *was* on a date, but I'm pretty sure she stood me up, and now I'm only still here because you are."

Danny's face was bright red and probably kind of sweaty, he could tell by his reflection in the spoon on the table. He couldn't bear to look Sam in the face, instead choosing to focus on his slice of pie oozing cinnamon-apple filling onto the plate.

Ronnie came back and filled up his cup, setting down a few more pods of creamer next to it. Maybe she sensed the tension, because she didn't say anything to him, and Danny didn't offer any more than a small smile this time. Now that he had made up his mind about which sibling to go for, he felt a tad awkward around her - but, then again, Sam was making him feel pretty funny, too.

Sam had been silent since his admittance, and it was making Danny nervous as fuck. He opened a creamer and dumped it into his mug, stirring it and taking a testing sip, then finally trying a bite of the pie.

'God, Sam was right - this pie was *good*.'

And fuck, did he not want this to be the last time he could have pie with Sam. As much as the guy was making Danny feel like he was about to give a public speech - and Danny could not stress enough how nervous he was - he was desperate to not let this be the end of their short lived interaction.

'It's been, what? 15 minutes since he came in, 5 since he sat down, and 2 since I started ignoring him - pathetic. If I want any chance at getting a date, this isn't the way to do it.'

Danny had made up his mind: he was going to look up, make it very clear that he meant what he had said, and ask Sam if he was interested in going to a different diner with him, when Sam spoke up.

"I'm sorry that your date stood you up, but I'm glad you're still here. I was honestly gonna leave the guys and go home, but then I saw you in the window and I decided to come in; so, I guess, you could say I'm still here because of you, too."

"I- really?"

'What?!' Danny couldn't keep the grin off of his face. Sam was here for him, because he had seen him in the window, had specifically come in because Danny looked... fuck, what could he have possibly looked other than hopeless and awkward? The grin quickly morphed into a frown.

"I don't need the pity. I appreciate that you're trying to keep me company, but I should probably just go home, I've been here long enough."

Danny got up and started putting his coat on, leaving behind his nearly uneaten pie and cup of Joe. All he knew was that he had to get out of this humiliating situation and never, ever, see this beautiful, amazing asshole ever again.

Sam sighed and caught his arm, wrapping a surprisingly strong hand around Danny's wrist. Danny froze where he was, stopped in his tracks with half a coat on for the second time this night by Sam.

"I don't feel pity for you. I can emphasize with being dumped or stood up-" Danny snorted because, really, who the fuck would pass on a date with Sam? "But I came over here because I thought you looked like an interesting person to talk to and you're honestly super hot."

He had no clue what to say to that so he didn't do anything, just stood there, unmoving, with his limp hand still in Sam's.

Suddenly, Sam breathed out harshly and stood up, too.

"Fuck, I'm sorry if I read this wrong, or gave you the wrong impression, or something. You clearly don't want me hanging onto you. Sorry, I'll go now," he said, hurriedly dropping Danny's wrist and starting to walk away.

"Sam!" Danny called, putting his hand on the boy's shoulder.

Sam stopped but didn't turn. Beyond him, Danny could see that they had drawn the attention of Sam's brothers and friends, all of them turned to look at them having a little fight - and his traitorous brain immediately referred to it as a lover's spat - in the middle of the restaurant.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get so defensive. I don't mind having you sit with me at all, so, please, come back and sit down with me."

They both slowly sat down again, Danny setting his coat to the side on the booth's leather bench. Sam balled up a napkin and Danny took a bite of pie, neither of them sure of what to say next, it seemed.

Finally, Danny figured he'd better elaborate a bit more. "'M sorry I accused you of pitying me, I just- I just don't know what else you could see other than some nerdy, lonely guy sitting in a booth by himself and watching your sister."

"Hey, I thought you said you weren't going after Ronnie," Sam immediately looked up and smiled at him, making Danny's heart flutter. He shrugged, conveying a non-verbal agreeance and admittance all at once.

"It's alright," Sam told him softly, causing Danny's breath to catch when he saw a slim hand tuck a strand of hair behind Sam's ear - possibly a sign if Sam's own nerves? "I honestly don't know why you've been putting up with me planting myself at your table and talking over you, so it's all good."

Danny wanted to protest, but Sam kept talking (perhaps there was some truth to what he had said). It seemed like, now that he had started, Sam wanted to get out all of whatever he had to say. Danny was perfectly okay with that.

"As I said, I saw you in the window when we were walking up and I just couldn't believe how attractive you were. Like, you're fucking gorgeous, and I just wanted to talk to you so bad and see what you were like. I may have intercepted Ronnie's pie delivery so I could have a reason to come up to you," Sam admitted.

Danny laughed, all of the air rushing out of him in a bout of relieved giggles. He took another bite of pie, making Sam beam back at him, showing he understood Danny's appreciation, of both the gesture and the food.

"Wow, I can't believe *you* find *me* attractive, but I'm not going to debate you on that. And I feel the same, man - like, have you seen yourself? As soon as you walked in, I was just completely in awe of you."

Sam was blushing now, too, and that made Danny's heart thump extra hard, a base drum pounding from his chest. He was grinning at Sam, and Sam was smiling back at him, both of them red and squirming in their seats but refusing to look away.

Danny saw Sam's hand reaching towards his on the table. His heart quickened and he held very still, as if trying not to frighten a scared animal by moving.

Sam's fingers found him, lightly running over the back of his hand and down to his knuckles. Danny let him explore for a time, then turned his hand over to *hold hands with Sam holy shit.*

A loud cheer of hoots and whistles sounded from across the diner. Danny looked up, startled, and Sam turned around in his seat, looking over at his table where all the other boys were apparently celebrating.

The curly haired twin - Josh, he was pretty sure (he hadn't paid overly much attention, focusing instead on Sam) - gave him a big grin and a thumbs up that could have been directed at him or Sam, he wasn't sure. Jake was the one whistling and howling, giving an almost predatory grin at Danny. Their other friends weren't as overt, but they certainly seemed happy that Sam had made up with the random guy in their sister's diner.

It made him a bit uncomfortable, but Danny was glad that Sam's siblings were okay with this - apparently they knew Sam was, in fact, into guys. Danny hoped that his family would be just as receptive, if he got that far with Sam.

'God, I hope I do.'

Sam was looking like he wasn't sure whether he should scold them or go over and high five Jake, but he didn't let go of Danny's hand. Danny found it endearing how happy he was, and how happy they all were, that Sam was over here with him - it made him feel good, like he was actually wanted and desired (in both platonic and romantic ways).

"They kinda convinced me to bring you the pie. Jake's been rooting for me to get a boyfriend for a while now, and he said you're perfect. I think I agree with him."

His blush, if somehow possible, got even darker. Sam was so hot, and such a nice person, it seemed - and he thought Danny was boyfriend material?! Danny's brain was having a riot on every single neurotransmitter simultaneously.

He had no clue how to eloquently respond to that in a way the conveyed his absolute joy, so he just stuck with a simple, "I agree too, I'd love to be your boyfriend."

Sam tightened his grip on Danny's hand, and Danny could feel how clammy his palms were. The knowledge that Sam was just as nervous, attracted, and happy as he was - it was blowing his mind.

Ronnie came over with his bill for the coffee and set it down right next to their linked fingers. She was beaming, looking back and forth between their hands and faces, clearly also in on the plot to get him and Danny together.

'*What the hell*, I don't even know any of these people.'

'Whatever, I don't care. SAM IS HOLDING MY HAND AND HE THINKS I'M HOT!'

"Rons, are you kicking us out?" Sam asked, gasping for dramatic affect, when he saw the bill.

'Shit, he's sassy, too.' Danny wasn't sure how he was going to handle such a personality-strong beauty, but fuck was he going to try.

"No, Sammy, you can take my car tonight and I'll ride home with Jakey and Josh." Ronnie replied, dropping a sey of keys onto the table. "But, if you have sex in there, *I am going to murder you*."

"No worries, I've got some standards. I mean, not that I don't want to or anything, but..." Sam trailed off, looking at Danny. He was going for provocative but it was mostly awkward; Danny bit his lip to stifle his laughter.

"Right... well, I'm officially off duty once I ring you up, so why don't you two get out of here and have some fun."

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@satans-helper

@okietrish

@lazingonsunday

@bigthighsandstupidguys

@karrotkate

@oblvions

@lantern-inthenight

@mountainofthesunn

@ryetheruler

[groovycrusadeperson]

(Part 1/3) As another immigrant, I've lost more than I could ever put a monetary price on. However even if I could go back to the 90s and stay in Madras, would I? I missed 20 years. I've lost a family member to suicide directly from this botched migration. Almost everyone I had back home is dead. The living can't remember my face and I can't, theirs. The only thing we learn and Steve's known in all his decades of character growth, is that only fossils belong in the past, time flows forward.

(Part 2/3) The present needs us. We need to find meaningful things to keep us here lest we lose ourselves in empty fantasies. I’m supremely saddened they took his yearning, just one aspect of him, and decided that the past was his country. Short of necromancy or living in a drug-induced haze or absolutely heartbreaking denial, our dead and our pasts are never coming back.

Part 3/3) However, this is a comic book movie. With magic, space, gods, aliens, second chances and time travel. If anyone deserves to be happy and retire, it’s Steve. I wish they wrote him having moved on, forward and I wish they picked another way to write him out. I wish they showed more of him and fleshed him out. However, he’s never been the MCU or Marvel’s priority and it is what it is. The ending was still ambiguous enough to write our own extensions and branches. Kind of like life.

(Part 4/3) tldr I can accept something as something that happened. And I can choose to read and write different endings. I can also understand others may not share that view. But life is short and hate shortens it further. I’m electing to let them walk their paths and not walk with them. (I miss our Bollywood song convos, friend. I hope you’ve been well!)

I’m so so sorry. If you don’t mind me asking…how are you now? Is it still a botched migration (you absolutely don’t have to answer me and please let me know if this should be kept a private ask or if I’m overstepping)

I agree with everything you’ve written and you’ve written it eloquently. I think this is the distinction I was trying to make earlier but failed to do it as well as you have. Steve yearning for this is a perfectly normal valid thing for him to feel and I absolutely resent that I have to defend his longing for the place where he is from to all these fucking bucket stans and people who say he abandoned his friends. 

But should the directors have given him the things he wanted? Did reducing the resolution of his arc to that yearning do justice to his character? They did it for all the wrong reasons - Bobert’s ego and the next moneymaker. And I resent even more that the same clowns shitting on Steve himself for this character resolution that was so unfair to him and him alone because they think he’s insulted their faves somehow don’t seem to understand that his story was resolved this way just to benefit their faves. I mean the buffoonery. 

I would however like to give an alternate point of view - clinging to the past, wanting too badly to live in the past, the negative connotation that the word itself -‘past’ - has and the positive connotion terms like ‘moving on’ ‘looking ahead and not back” have is only because there is no other way for us. We can’t go back. Thinking about it obsessively destroys us, robs us of living because you can’t have what you want and you refuse to make do with what you do have. We have to make do with the present. It’s healthy to keep moving forward and value the present more than the past and the future even more because we don’t have a choice. It’s an ingrained survival tactic to instinctively be repulsed by even the idea of someone going back in time instead of forward. (I wonder if Steve came back and revealed that he’d been chilling in 3000 CE this whole time, would the reaction have been so strongly negative?)

 But what if you did have a choice. What if you could see and talk to and just be in the company of your dead loved ones again? Go right to the familiar things that shaped you and your perspective/world view/sense of humour/who you are/touchstones/your culture. Without having to miss time. Without being a stranger again. Right back like you never even left. Like you never even left. I think I’d take that chance. 

Maybe it’s not healthy but Steve’s not healthy mentally either. He’s been miserable for all his time in the present. He’s had a consistently shit life and not much to endear him to settling anywhere. There isn’t much grounding him and him straddling the best of both - or multiple worlds, living a fulfiling life wherever he wanted and not missing more than 2 minutes of time in the present…isn’t the worst thing. Certainly better than continuing to see him be miserable and dutiful. At least to me.     

It’s weird because I didn’t even like the ending. There’s Game of Thrones fans crying everywhere on the internet because all the characters got fucked over and I’m like be thankful! Do you know what it’s like to see your favourite character absolutely miserable for 6 movies because of Circumstances and Tuberculosis Swab and Bunty Barfs and Purple Thumb…only for the writers to disappear him for a minute, age him and say “yeah he actually found happiness…uhh…somewhere…we couldn’t be bothered to show you but believe it! Right! On to the next Cap!”

But it’s just so strange to see a plot weakness in Steve’s arc be used as an evidence of…a character flaw in Steve himself? That now I’m just for it out of sheer spite. 

And!! You know that Salman Khan song you liked? Apparently it broke world records  wrt to number of youtube views! I thought of you when I saw that! I miss our talks too! Did I tell you I went to watch Endgame and was forced to sit through the trailer of Bharat (another Salman Khan movie) and I almost cried because it was so bad?